I absolutely hate when life is
unsatisfying. It feels suffocating, like my days are zooming by in
flashing episodes, whether good or bad, they're not lasting and are
only potent enough to entertain me for a moment, but the second I'm
no longer engaged in anything, my life suddenly feels aimless. I
spend those aimless moments trying to escape the feeling- go onto
Facebook or Instagram- distracting myself with pointless posts and
information that for some reason feel important and worth wasting my
time on in the moment. But that's all it is: living in the moment,
where priorities are warped and everything moves so fast, we don't
have time to consider how pointless this all is, or how empty we
feel. It's funny how I used to think I was just bored, but suddenly I
can clearly feel the difference between being bored and being
dissatisfied; being thirsty.
I don't know if it's just me or if
everyone struggles with this too, but I just have so much trouble
staying satisfied by God. I spent years looking and searching and
intently pursuing things I thought
would satisfy me, and the few scraps I've attained during my pursuits
may have appeased me for a time, but they and the happiness they
brought me didn't last, only leaving me feeling more empty than
before. One day I was tired of it. I was praying and crying and so
freaking done with spinning my wheels in the mud and asking God for
this and that and whatever He gave me it and whatever I got myself,
it never had anything lasting about it. I could feel those unseen
forces whispering to my heart, so many heavy lies and I sat up,
angry, and I said, “God- You're not a liar- You said You love me-
You said You're grace is enough and only You can truly satisfy me- if
I can't see or feel Your love- I'm the one with the problem- I'm the
blind one- I'm the numb one- show me- show me how You love me- if
You're grace is enough- I believe you- satisfy me- I don't know how
You will and my flesh is afraid it won't feel satisfying- but I'm not
looking to satisfy my flesh- You do whatever You say is enough-
whatever I need, not what I want and You will be enough.”
I
always tell people: you need to choose what you want to believe. I
wanted to see proof of God's love, proof that He was going to give me
the desires of my heart, before I truly surrendered to Him- I didn't
realize it at the time, but I see it now. I kept saying I was giving
this and that up to God, but deep in my heart, I wasn't, because I
wanted it, and if He wasn't going to give it to me, I didn't know
what I would do- die or die trying to get it myself. Luckily, I
surrendered to God's love before reaching it myself, because not long
after, when I was feeling ever so satisfied in God's love, that
desire resurfaced and fell into my lap, and although it was wonderful
and beautiful and almost everything I wanted, it turned out to not be
what I expected, and not near satisfying. In fact, it brought more
service than peaceful satisfaction.
But it
took surrender and it still does every day. I had to surrender to
God's love, before I was going to see the faithfulness of it in my
life. I had to submit myself to it before I was going to feel it with
certainty and believe it in the deepest parts of my heart. I had to
choose to believe that God loved me more than a person could. I had
to choose to believe that only He would satisfy my and that He would,
in fact, satisfy me. Not believe it in my head, but hold onto it in
my heart, like hoping on a promise and telling the Nay-Sayers, “I
believe Him- He promised and I believe-” And never forget that YOU
are a Nay-Sayer. You are going to be the hardest one to convince and
the one harassing your own beliefs the most. You have to tell
yourself what you're choosing to believe and hold onto to it every
day.
I
forgot about all this- I've been feeling so dissatisfied lately and
wandering around without purpose. We spend our lives in pursuit of
satisfaction, whether it's security, relationships, building a
family, having wealth and being successful, or being recognized- none
of these things will satisfy us. I can guarantee it. Some people say,
we're not meant to be satisfied, that if we were, life would be
boring, aimless- I agree- because being 'satisfied' in the things of
this world does only leave you feeling aimless or let down- we need a
constant pursuit and we need stability at the same time- that's why
knowing who God is, is the only thing that will ever satisfy us:
because there is an infinite universe to discover, of the character
and love of God. I've heard people say that they don't want to go to
Heaven because it will be boring- bad things won't be allowed to
happen- what will there be to do for eternity? To live for- to fight
for? Stories are life and no one wants to read a story where nothing
bad happens. Sometimes we think the same thing about being satisfied
with God- that once God satisfies us, all conflict in our lives will
cease to exist, but if it did, our lives would still be aimless,
there would be no growth, no purpose, no fight, no victory.
We
need satisfaction in our lives but we also need pursuit. To be
satisfied in God is not to be pulled out of all suffering and
hardship, but to have a way through it. It's to be satisfied by your
relationship with God, in the face of all pain. It's to have
something to pursue that never runs dry, never fails you, never turns
you away, never ends- there is always more to know of Jesus. He is
both the Rock on which we can stand, supporting us in times of
trouble, and the love of our lives, running excitedly toward the goal
He has for us and calling us to pursue after Him, to run beside Him.
He takes your hand, dragging you on behind Him, wanting earnestly to
show you what's on the other side of each hill, and the hills never
end, there's always another you can travel with Him, but they are
full of valleys of rest, where we can sit and just enjoy Jesus. This
is what satisfies- to spend the rest of your life, here and in
eternity, getting to know God.
