Something

So I don't know what I'm doing with this post yet. I just have things I want to say, and I was thinking of recording a video, but I can't at this very moment, because I share a room with my sister, and it's 12:12 am soooo. I might as well right it out here as a test run on the subject, just so I know what I might want to say. The things I want to talk about aren't Christ centered, but that's also why I want to write this here first, so I can get the right perspective on the subject before I let my mouth run.

I'm sooo shy. I struggle with normal conversations with my parent's sometimes... Okay a lot of times. I just suck at talking. Or at least that's the easy excuse I can use for my lack of social success, without actually having to deal with my problem.

I seriously can't let anyone know I'm scared- or lost- or weak. I have issues. This only accounts to about half of my shyness now and is slowly draining from my system as I try and work these things out- but the other half consists of the fear of your rejection or disapproval of me as a person. I don't- can't- live with the thought that anyone thinks badly of me. It haunts me and torments me at all times at which I have not successfully distracted myself of it. Sometimes, I have been able to shake someone's disapproval enough to recognize and believe that their feelings of me are unprovoked and stupid, but I hold pretty high standards for myself, so that doesn't happen often.

WITH the need to gain your approval also comes the desire to just cater to you simply because I am that way. I don't care for myself very much, and I'm very easily pleased, (or maybe hard to please), so I just want to make you as comfortable and happy as possible. Please don't hate me. I just- I have issues okay. I admit it wholeheartedly. And you have to admit that being a considerate, selfless person isn't a bad thing, as long as it's exercised in balance and for the right reasons.

I am a people-pleaser, but I am still my own person. It may be like pulling teeth for me to be my own person around you, but I won't change my beliefs, disown my values, or deny my faith to make someone happy; I know when pleasing someone has gone too far.

I've discovered recently, that I feel more comfortable talking with someone when I can't see their face. Literally, in the dark, where they can't see my facial expressions, and I feel safe in the darkness, and I can't see their expressions, which leaves me no room for trying to find out what they secretly thought of my words. There's very few people now that I think of it, that I feel truly comfortable around.

Me and my mom watched Runaway Bride the night before last, and I realized that I am like Maggie. I conform myself to what other's need or want in a friend, and I don't even know who I am. I know to an extent, and I have opinions, but I get lost and confused when trying to talk to someone, like I just disown myself for survival. If you could only know how scared it makes me- the thought of talking with someone.

I don't even know how I'm close to my brothers. Am I just comfortable around them? Or is it that I have an idea of who I'm supposed to be when I'm with them and I fall into place. My sister now, is a whole other story. I am who I am with my little sister, except I can't be weak around her.

I'm getting very good- I'm sorry- it's 1:21 am, if my conversation becomes erratic to you it's because I'm falling asleep. I'm getting very good at conversing, but it's still not me I think. I'm still creating a facade of who I want to be in front of a specific person- or who I think I need to be to survive in their presence. UHG.

I want friends. It's just like jumping off a cliff to me. Even just like getting myself down a water slide; I'm just too scared to move, even though I know I probably won't get hurt, I'm just scared of the ups and downs of the ride. AND IFF I get myself down that slide, I'm as rigid as a board and nothing changes- no progress is made, because I just fumble my way to the end of the conversation with default answers that won't get me killed. What is my problem.

I'm getting anxiety right now just thinking about it. Sometimes, it would just be easier to never make friends with anyone, but I'm not that kind of person. I want people in my life desperately, but I almost feel like I'm not a person, like I'm just a blob, forming myself into whoever I need to be at the time to get by and it flipping-pancakes sucks.

I've never struggled with feeling like I don't know who I am, and that's not really what I'm struggling with. The issue is feeling like I actually am not anyone particular. That won't ruin my life, but it doesn't feel good either.

WOw this got depressing fast.

The reasons I feel this way are this. Try to talk to me, and I don't have anything to say for myself, because I'm too scared to think of anything to say at all. When I do try to make friends, they don't stay my friends, they don't like me, they leave. Maybe I'm annoying, maybe I'm boring; either way, when I have been outgoing, it doesn't help anything- nobody stays anyway.

I was watching vlogs on youtube for fun- stupid fluffy vlogs like, "How To Get A Guy To Like You," or "Seven Things Guy's Find Attractive In Girls." Thing is, by these vlogs [which I'm not even sure if I should be using these as reference] I have all this down- if these guys are being honest. And yet I've never once had a guy like me. It has to be my personality. }:/ uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg. Maybe I'm just scared, and nobody believes me- they just think I'm being dramatic, fishing for sympathy, or stand-off-ish. I don't know.

Lost

I haven't written much of my own thoughts in a long time. Maybe because I gave people the link to my blog, and quickly realized how much I didn't want some to see all my thoughts. I can post them for strangers to stumble upon; they can't hurt me with more than a comment before I disregard them. My family and friends on the other hand- well I am subject to their comments at all times, and I actually care what they think of me.

I've come to so much realization recently. I've done so much growing in the past year of my life that it's almost overwhelming to think of. I hadn't realized how stagnant I was, until I began to really face myself, and desire to change. In some ways this is more frustrating than not, in the sense that I can't change myself. I see just how prideful a person I am, and I can't escape it; I'm drowning in it. I know can change me- I know He is changing me. I've seen His faithfulness to completely change my views, and it's changes like this that I hold onto- that He is working in me. There's nothing I like better than to see progress in anything I do, or in this case wait for.

I don't want to care what people think of me- I hate it with a passion. I almost feel as if I didn't for a while, and then something threw me back- but maybe I was just deceiving myself before. In finding pride in my own opinions and ideas- to think that that was confidence- when it was really just arrogance.

I want a balance, I want to be confident in my existence and value in Christ, without priding myself- and I am very prideful. My pride 'causes me to fear the opinions of other's conform to their idea's, or fully reject them. My pride keeps me polite and fake with people, to keep from making a fool of myself, and keeps me quiet to survive social situations. Without fail every time I open my mouth I regret it. You don't know how many times a day I grimace to myself at a memory of my foolishness.

And again I remember that I'm writing this to strangers- perhaps friends as well- but I wouldn't know who. Maybe it's a pride in itself to assume anyone reads this lol. Let me picture this as a white void, where no one hears me but God, and then let's see how I sound.

I feel very lost lately. I know the things You want of me at the moment, but I still feel very lost. I feel different- I don't even know what I feel. I'm in a strange season again, as if I'm in the same place I was last year at this time. Not that I didn't change, but that I've made a complete circle. Maybe I'm not getting the fellowship I need- I know I'm not getting as much of Your word and Your presence as I need, but I'm striving in those spiritual disciplines daily- You know Lord. I'm so horribly structured in things I shouldn't be, and flaky in the things that should have structure. I want to decide how my life should be right now and forever, and let nothing change. Change scares me very much. If only I knew what was coming- knew everything I needed to do and be- but then I wouldn't need to depend on You daily then would I.

I hate waiting and wondering and I have no clue as how to change my course from something I've resigned myself to. I'm afraid of deciding on one way to find out my life is really to go the other way, and yet I'm afraid of living day by day, waiting to see which way it will go. I'm afraid of daydreams- because they make me want what I've imagined- and I cannot keep myself from daydreaming.

I feel so spiritually knotted up right now, I don't even know what to pray. Like I said- I feel lost.