Lost

I haven't written much of my own thoughts in a long time. Maybe because I gave people the link to my blog, and quickly realized how much I didn't want some to see all my thoughts. I can post them for strangers to stumble upon; they can't hurt me with more than a comment before I disregard them. My family and friends on the other hand- well I am subject to their comments at all times, and I actually care what they think of me.

I've come to so much realization recently. I've done so much growing in the past year of my life that it's almost overwhelming to think of. I hadn't realized how stagnant I was, until I began to really face myself, and desire to change. In some ways this is more frustrating than not, in the sense that I can't change myself. I see just how prideful a person I am, and I can't escape it; I'm drowning in it. I know can change me- I know He is changing me. I've seen His faithfulness to completely change my views, and it's changes like this that I hold onto- that He is working in me. There's nothing I like better than to see progress in anything I do, or in this case wait for.

I don't want to care what people think of me- I hate it with a passion. I almost feel as if I didn't for a while, and then something threw me back- but maybe I was just deceiving myself before. In finding pride in my own opinions and ideas- to think that that was confidence- when it was really just arrogance.

I want a balance, I want to be confident in my existence and value in Christ, without priding myself- and I am very prideful. My pride 'causes me to fear the opinions of other's conform to their idea's, or fully reject them. My pride keeps me polite and fake with people, to keep from making a fool of myself, and keeps me quiet to survive social situations. Without fail every time I open my mouth I regret it. You don't know how many times a day I grimace to myself at a memory of my foolishness.

And again I remember that I'm writing this to strangers- perhaps friends as well- but I wouldn't know who. Maybe it's a pride in itself to assume anyone reads this lol. Let me picture this as a white void, where no one hears me but God, and then let's see how I sound.

I feel very lost lately. I know the things You want of me at the moment, but I still feel very lost. I feel different- I don't even know what I feel. I'm in a strange season again, as if I'm in the same place I was last year at this time. Not that I didn't change, but that I've made a complete circle. Maybe I'm not getting the fellowship I need- I know I'm not getting as much of Your word and Your presence as I need, but I'm striving in those spiritual disciplines daily- You know Lord. I'm so horribly structured in things I shouldn't be, and flaky in the things that should have structure. I want to decide how my life should be right now and forever, and let nothing change. Change scares me very much. If only I knew what was coming- knew everything I needed to do and be- but then I wouldn't need to depend on You daily then would I.

I hate waiting and wondering and I have no clue as how to change my course from something I've resigned myself to. I'm afraid of deciding on one way to find out my life is really to go the other way, and yet I'm afraid of living day by day, waiting to see which way it will go. I'm afraid of daydreams- because they make me want what I've imagined- and I cannot keep myself from daydreaming.

I feel so spiritually knotted up right now, I don't even know what to pray. Like I said- I feel lost.