God Is Love

Do you wrestle with something someone did to you a long time ago? You've forgiven them, you don't even see them anymore, but you know where they are and what they're doing. You know that they continue to do what they did to you, to others, that they continue to manipulate and lead people in the wrong direction. It kills me to think of the havoc they are reeking. And you can't tell anyone about the wrong they've done, because they, and others, have told you, it's a sin to talk about, even if those people aren't sorry or don't consider it a mistake.

Clearly, they have something to hide if they blackmail me into silence with, 'it's a sin- if you talk about you'll be dividing a church and if you desire to tell people, than you are a back-bitter, seeking division.' And yet they can't even- or they simply refuse- to see why they fear other's knowing what they've done. I desire to tell people because I feel slapped and then sworn to secrecy. I feel someone I love was slapped, I was still sworn to secrecy, again and again. Because their actions tell me they don't practice what they preach- and in that case I feel I should warn the people they preach to- with great urgency and longing do I desire to warn them.

I don't stay silent because they commanded it. I stay silent because God has shown me, all actions, evil and good, He has only allowed because in the end He'll use them for good. All authorities, good and evil, are allowed because God will turn the evil on it's head for His glory. God doesn't need me to swoop in and save the day, He can tear a empire down in a second. He can reduce a cartel to dust before you can blink. He let's evil continue because He's working. 

God loves us, so He lets us choose if we will act good or evilly, not forcing good upon us or into our minds. He doesn't want mindless, obedient robots, or children who do good, knowing He watches, because they're afraid of a punishment. He wants children, who do good because they love Him, who will feel convicted in their hearts if they did something offensive to Him, even in His absence, because they respect Him. So He gave us freewill, and if He were to remove evil completely from the world, we would no longer obey out of love, but out of nature, because it would be the way we were programmed, and you might even say we would be trapped.

That being said, evil is still evil. God wants you to have a choice, but He being good, can't let evil run rampant or unpunished, after all, He created you, and if a man created even a robot that malfunctioned and hurt someone, he would be held responsible, at the very least for cleaning up the mess.

I'm not blaming God for the evil in the world, but I believe, Him being good and unconditionally loving His fallen creation, decided to put the responsibility on Himself to clean up OUR messes. He didn't have to, He created something with much more intelligence than a robot, made in His own image. We know what good is, but we still choose to be selfish at the expense of others. 

Now, because God has allowed freewill and choice, people seemingly get away with evil acts. We experience it every day, from an unprovoked harsh word to an unprovoked sexual assault. Evil is evil and it keenly stings when you're on the wrong end of it. It hurts you like a drug addiction from the other end. 

Why does God allow evil when He loves you? He loves the person who did evil to you, so He gave them freewill, but where does that put you? The answer is in the truth that He loves you just as much as them. 

God, being perfect and all-knowing, is in the business of turning evil upside-down for good.

Look at Jesus death. God took the greatest act of evil and hatred- an attempt on God's life, while in the form of a man- and made it the greatest act of love and self-sacrifice the world has ever seen, using His death to destroy death. He takes the wise things of man and makes them foolish and the foolish, insignificant things of man and makes them the greatest, most significant mysteries. God's forte is using Satan's attacks against him. Knowing this, look at the evil done to your life and believe God will or has used it for good. He is all-knowing, we can only see from where we stand, He is everywhere, above, below, on every side, in every dimension of the heart. He can see intentions, He can see reactions and consequences, He fits together every act, evil and good, like a grand puzzle, that will in the end proclaim to the universe, "I am God and I have always loved you."

All of history has one running theme between God and man. God makes a covenant with man and man fails. Look at Adam, with only one rule, don't eat the fruit. Abraham, wait and I'll give you a son. Moses, here's the entire law, laid out in detail for you. Every time, man failed. Something to notice deep within this running theme, is the decisions made before failure.

In the garden, Eve spoke with the serpent, and doubts of God were planted in her mind. His very character was being threatened. She chose to believe a lie, that God was keeping the fruit from her, keeping knowledge from her, lying to her about the consequences, all she chose to believe, from a complete, silver-tongued stranger.

Abraham and Sarah were told they would be given a son, who would in turn give way to entire nation of countless descendants. They were impatient and chose to believe, God couldn't give them a son in their old age. They took the promise into their own hands, ignoring God's timing and taking what they wanted now. They believed a lie.

When Moses led the children of Israel into the desert, God had more than proven His ability and desire to protect and love them, in the plagues and miracles He continued to perform, but again and again, they complained, turned from, and cowered before God.

My theory of this theme is that God hasn't been shaking His head at humanity for thousands of years, but instead been waiting patiently, exhausting every excuse His fallen creation could give and trying to convince them of His true character.

All God wants is for you to believe the truth of His love and cling to it. Don't let what you see or feel change the truth to a lie in your heart or mind. Remember His love. I forget it so often. I can preach it to others but I seem to forget how much He loves me, that He literally desires to spend time with me. For me to pour out my heart to Him, even though He knows it all already.

Remember that Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Moses and all of Israel, all had good desires, they just exercised them out of God's will, because they refused to believe in God's ability and desire to take care of them. Eve wanted knowledge- instead of asking God, she took what He commanded her not to. Abraham wanted God's promise fulfilled, instead of waiting on God, he followed Sarah's suggestion and took a second wife, to produce an offspring now. The children of Israel were afraid and tired of eating the same thing for months. Instead of believing God was capable and desiring to protect them and fulfill their needs, they complained, turned to idols, depended on what they could see from their limited perspective, and decided God couldn't or wouldn't take care of them.

The entire story of our existence, God has been trying to convince man of His true character, but we continue to believe lies, even as Christians. God hasn't been stumbling through history, cleaning up after us, or been pouring out exaggerated grace to get our attention. That unconditional grace is His true character- it's what He looks like every day. It's not His Sunday clothes or His painted face- it's how God actually is- unchanging through all eternity. He wasn't trying to reign in His creation, to fill Heaven so we could serve Him for eternity. He wants us to individually, personally, intimately, know His character, to be gathered into His arms and taken care of by Him for eternity. He paid the price so we could know His character. His actions aren't for the purpose of showing us, 'Look at all I've done for you', His actions are the natural outpourings of His desire to be reconciled with us.

In the face of evil, depend on God to defend you. Believe God only lets people get away with evil for a time, because in the end it will play out into His will. All pain and suffering is only allowed if it will do good in the end. Remember God is in control and all evil act has it's purpose, or it would have never been allowed to be committed. Above all, remember God is love.

An Open Letter To Shia LaBeouf

Dear Shia,

I am hoping desperately that you really have decided to follow Jesus. So many Christians have watched and loved you for such a long time, praying hard for you to seek and find God. How strange is that? Hundreds and thousands of people you've never, and might never- in this life- meet, have seen you and prayed for you. You don't know how torn I am at this news though; I feel like I'm holding my breath. I wish I could speak to you myself, about the things God has spoken and shown to you, and be comforted to believe the headlines by your sincerity and enthusiasm. It's crazy to think the connection we now have; the Bible talks about believers being “like-minded” and how that changes the dynamics of their relationships. That though they come from all walks of life, now share this love for God, this forgiveness and endless grace they've found and can interact as old friends because of this common ground that is now the foundation of their lives.

I'll pray that you don't become distracted by the world around you. Keep your eyes on Jesus; don't forget to cling to Him in everything. He is your defender. He's your healer. He's your strength. Jesus is everything you need and He is with you always.

Sincerely,

A sister in Christ

Afflictions

 “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” Psalm 119:71 This probably isn't anyone's favorite verse, but when you think about it, this is a verse we could use on our hearts all day long. How often do we feel afflicted during the day, by our bosses or coworkers or by inconsiderate strangers, or even by our own families? Granted our afflictions aren't always as horrible as they feel at the time, but they're afflictions to us all the same. There's a phrase I hear a lot from Christians, “The enemies attacking me.” I can't help but feel like this phrase is backwards to the perspective we should have to our afflictions and almost giving the enemy more power than he really has. Yes, the enemy attacks us, but I can't forget abut the first chapter of Job, that Satan had to ask God for permission to afflict Job. God loves us and I'm convinced only allows affliction in our lives when it's for good. How much more productive do you think we could be, if when something bad happens to us, instead of seeing it as the enemy attacking, we look at it as God refining us?

Psalm 66:10-12 says, “For You, O God, have proved us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” When I first breezed over these verses, I thought, 'That's not right to blame God,' but as I read them again it made sense. Everything that's happened to us, whether we perceive it to be good or bad, was from God, with a purpose: to bring us closer to Him. How quickly might we move past our trials if we accredited them to His working in us, drawing us nearer in love. It won't be comfortable, painless, or easy, and God doesn't expect us to bury our emotions when we're hurting, He says, there is a time for mourning, but we don't need to be joyful to hold to the knowledge that it's all for good, we just need to cling to the truth that He loves us. Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The enemy has no power over us anymore, only the power God's given him to draw us nearer to Him. Our afflictions though painful are the cutting and polishing of precious stones, the refining of silver or gold, the long suffering of a grain of sand being transformed into a pearl in a clam.  

The Last Battle

 My mom absolutely loves The Chronicles of Narnia, but her favorite book in the series, has always been The Last Battle. She said more than any other book, it felt so real and relatable to our time right now. If you don't understand what I mean, it's that C. S. Lewis, whether purposely or unconsciously, created the Narnia series to parallel our world, from a Christian view.

The first book, the very first, The Magician's Nephew, is about creation. The creation of Narnia, by Aslan, the placing of Adam and Eve, over all the land, and the tempting from the serpent, or in this world, the witch, who continues to make herself known throughout the series in different forms.

The next book, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, is about the Gospel. The coming of a Messiah to spend His life to save His creation, fulfilling the law, that someone must die for sins, but establishing grace and forgiveness, that no one must die anymore.

The third book, The Horse and His Boy, takes place before the ending of The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, before the children have found their way back to our world, but have been living as Kings and Queens, marrying and having children and grandchildren. This is the golden age of Acts, after Jesus went back to Heaven, and the Church was ignited with the Holy Spirit. This seems to be a cessationist view [that the Holy Spirit has stopped giving such power to the church], but as you read on, it is clear it is not, and I'll go into this more later.

The next book is Prince Caspian, which I believe is a mirror of the Holocaust. The Narnians, all mystical creatures, talking animals, dwarves, setres, minatars, centuars, tree spirits, mermaids, ect. are being persecuted to the point of extinction, by a group of people Aslan allowed to wander into Narnia. The children are called back, by Prince Caspian, who's being hunted by his uncle for the crown. They return and lead with Narnians, giving them back their land.

The fifth book is The Voyage of The Dawn Treader, where the two younger children return to Narnia, with a cousin who's coming for the first time. They're not sure why they're back, but they're glad of it. They are picked up by Prince Caspian, who is on a voyage to find men who served his father, gone missing before the war to take back Narnia. I believe this is the age after the Holocaust, when Israel had returned to their land, and scripture was being discovered and sought out, and the Gospel was being spread like never before. They're in search of answers, of saints. They're taking the newly found freedom of the Kingdom, and spreading it to all the territories, freeing slaves and going into darkness to save people.

The sixth book is one of my favorites, The Silver Chair. When I read this book, I was convinced it was of our time. Right off the bat, the cousin and his friend, there for the first time, are given a message from Aslan to give to Prince Caspian, now an old man, but for the life of them, they cannot remember to give it, or what the message even was. They're pulled along into tribulation and struggles, rather than charging into battle themselves like the children before. Narnia is a dark place in this book and the Witch has taken Caspian's grandson captive in the underworld for some years now.

The final book, The Last Battle, is about Tribulation. Narnia has been seemingly alright now. Everyone almost seems complacent and doesn't think life will change any time soon, but things quickly go downhill, as Aslan returns, or so it seems, and is giving strange and awful commands. I began listening to this as an audio book on youtube, and I had to stop. I got to the chapter when the current king of Narnia has been captured and tied to a tree, and is praying to Aslan to truly return and save them. He begins to remember what he calls, the golden ages of Narnia, when the children, Narnia's Kings and Queens lived among them, and how they returned every time Narnia needed them. He then grows slightly bitter and says, but Alsan doesn't do that anymore, that was the old days. Returning to the third book, The Horse and His Boy, and how it seemed to hold a cessationist view of the Holy Spirit. This scene clearly hit me, like a brick wall. I hear so many people today saying, 'oh miracles were a good and all, but God doesn't do that anymore,' and it they're not saying it, they living that way. I heard the king praying and thinking these things and I was in awe.

How could C. S. Lewis know the attitude people would take in the last days. He could have guessed, but I believe God used him. I heard this scene and I thought, 'God still speaks through men, God still makes prophets.' I stopped the audio book, too obsessed with this scene to keep going and I went straight to mom, pouring out everything I had told her. I almost couldn't compose myself, and I could see she was struggling too. I was almost weeping because I was so in awe with God's power, His faithfulness, His grace. He used Lewis and wrote something prophetic. I won't hold it at level with the scriptures, but these books are amazing still.

The children at times represent Christians, and at others, represent the Holy Spirit. These are the last days, people are complacent, believing the world will go on as it has, but those with their eyes open will see the quick downward spiral we're taking. People cry out to God, but they don't believe the Holy Spirit will come and empower them. I felt a tugging on my heart after speaking with my mom- and I remembered a friend of mine telling me to be aware when the Holy Spirit is telling you to come away and be alone with God. I went upstairs, completely unable to keep myself from it, and I immediately began weeping. I didn't know why I was crying, but I was so in awe of everything I had just realized. I began to pray, for anything, I said, 'God I don't know why I'm crying, but I'll pray for anything You want me to.' I prayed and my heart was moved in such a way that it was not my own movement. It was as if the Holy Spirit was swaying my heart from person to person saying, “Now feel for them, now feel for this,” and I was now weeping for them as I prayed. I wept for my country, something I have never been compassionate or moved over, but I was in tears over America's loss of Christ.

I didn't want to be moved by emotion, but God still created emotion, God feels things, He weeps over the lost, and rejoices over His children. The Holy Spirit still moves. He still gives gifts, and when I say gifts, I don't mean a skill you can exercise or practice at. I don't mean a talent, or something you can chose to do. The Holy Spirit will give you any gift, any time, not one gift permanently. Let Him into your life.

The king, even though he doesn't believe Aslan will come or send the children, he cries out to Aslan for help and he does send the children. Don't give into the complacency, desiring your life to go on as it is, without the Holy Spirit, because you don't want anything to change. We need the Holy Spirit, now more than ever, because things are going to get bad, very fast. I've never heard so much talk and debate about the Holy Spirit and whether He still gives gifts and does miracles or not. It's all over the place, and before you know it, that fake Aslan is going to show up and stir things up before you know what's happening.

If you've never read The Chronicles of Narnia, I highly recommend it. I truly believe God had a hand in these books, they line up just too well with the scriptures. They're like parables, helping you in your walk with Christ. I only hope God would work so powerfully through my own writing; it's been my constant prayer that He use my stories for His glory and write the story, He desires to be communicated, through me. The Chronicles of Narnia are such an inspiration to me, and I honestly believe God was prophesying through C. S. Lewis, for the church and for the world.  

The Plagues

 I LOVE the movie, Prince of Egypt. I know a lot of Christians find this film to have too much artistic freedom and to be lacking in Biblical accuracy, but I have found time and time again, value in this cartoon.

I love musicals and operas, because a story told partly or fully with song, has something especially powerful about it. Music automatically makes us feel things, so well a composed song can be very moving, but adding meaningful and deep lyrics with the right music can change a song from moving, to live changing. God created music, He knew what He was doing. There's something so mysterious and supernatural about the power of music.

I say all this because I was listening to the soundtrack of Prince of Egypt recently, something I do often with my little sister. [We LOVE this movie- serusly.] My all-time favorite song off the soundtrack is The Plagues.  

It starts about 45 seconds in.

If you've never seen the movie before [though I doubt it] it includes Moses and Ramseys singing back and forth to each other. They were very close in this Dreamworks adaption of the story, but I think it's realistic. Anyway, they haven't seen one another since Moses fled Egypt after killing a man [40 years before in the Bible, clearly less in the movie]. They've missed each other and want things to be the way they were before, but it can't be, because Moses serves God now, and Ramseys has grown exceedingly more prideful and is offended by Moses trying to tell him what to do.

Getting to hear this song fully, with earbuds, zero distractions, and without the imagery of the film for the first time, [on a long drive I took recently] I actually started to cry while listening to the lyrics.

The song starts out scary sounding, a choir singing, “I send the pestilence and plague, Into your house into your bed, Into your streams into your streets, Into your drink into your bread, Upon your cattle on your sheep, Upon your house and in your field, Into your dreams into your sleep, Until you break until you give, I send the sword, I send the horde, Thus saith the Lord.”

I began thinking, like anyone would, how frightening this sounds, especially coming from God. He is all powerful and mighty. I don't want Him against me [not to mention I love Him and that would make me beyond sad], but knowing God, I also know that He's righteous, and I began to think of why He was doing this. The anger, or maybe better described as, wrath, in this song, is perfectly communicating the wrath and power, a parent would exercise on someone who was enslaving their child. Israel was- and is- God's children, His special chosen people. That anger isn't so bad sounding anymore, in fact it makes me love God more, that He is so loving, protective, and faithful.

If you don't believe these things, and are now saying, “But not ALL the Egyptians were guilty for Israel's enslavement! How were the plagues loving to the Egyptians!?”

Excellent question. I thought of the same thing. Because I know God [to an extent] I know that He also desperately loved the Egyptians- and still loves them- all Egyptians even to this day. Why do I say that?

Egypt strictly believes in the plagues of Moses. They teach them as history and talk about them in their Museums. These plagues weren't pointlessly cruel, each one had a specific and powerful meaning for the Egyptians. You see each plague, represented another one of their gods, dying.

God could have wiped out all of Egypt to save His people. It would have been easier, and by His standards, they were wicked, but instead He wanted to do something that would show the Egyptians who He was, and they haven't forgotten yet. He wanted to leave Egypt with a message that would never stop ringing through their children's or children's children's minds. The message that He was stronger than their idols, that could not help them. That He was real and is real. What's the point in that unless it's for the sake of offering them grace?

See, God, actually cared about the Egyptians. Why would He allow His people to be taken as slaves in the first place? So that in the long run, He could leave them a message of His power and faithfulness. We have free will, but He is so good, that even those trying to work against Him, end up working into His plans.

The next part of the song, Moses begins singing, “Once I called you brother, Once I thought the chance to make you laugh, Was all I ever wanted,” more choir singing about plagues, “And even now, I wish that God had chose a another, Serving as your foe on His behalf, Was the last thing that I wanted,”

This hit me differently than it normally has when I watch the movie. I used to see Moses as feeling like he had been dragged into this battle, simply because of his newly discovered heritage. Now I saw it from a more relatable view.

I heard a woman at my church teach on confrontation and correction. What should be done when we believe another Christian or maybe just a [unbelieving] family member, is doing something wrong? How should we act when we have to stand up for our faith, even though it will offend someone? The main thing that hit me from that study, was that confronting or correcting someone, should not be enjoyable. If God wants you to stand up for something, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun, because if it is, we have the wrong attitude about it. We shouldn't enjoy the possibility of offending someone. Sometimes, we have to offend someone, because we have to stand for truth, but if we revel in the thought of winning a debate, making someone look stupid, or rubbing their nose in some truth, than we're not doing it because God told us to, we're doing it because we like feeling smarter, better, stronger.

Moses, in this song, is not enjoying confronting his brother over this. He's not feeling roped into this by God or forced to come up against his brother, or even doing it just because he's discovered he's a Hebrew. He's doing it because slavery is wrong and God told him to do this. God doesn't need us to serve Him. Like I said before, He could have wiped out the Egyptians, and freed His people in a second, but instead He wanted to use Moses, for Moses' sake.

Off topic, I was reading Exodus, and I thought for a moment, 'You know, God prepared Moses to be the perfect guy for this, raised as a Prince, he had authority, learning, an idea of how court and politics in Egypt worked.' But then I caught myself. God never chooses someone who's perfect for the job. He always chooses someone, ill-equipped. Why? So that He can show the world, it's not them, it's Me. Moses wasn't perfect for the job. He had anger issues, was not good at public speaking, and was a bit of a coward. He even argued with God about how bad he was for the job. Who argues with GOD? [coughcoughme]

BACK onto subject, Moses hated to have to confront and oppose his brother in the film and song. He must have absolutely hated it, but known God enough to desire to do it for Him, putting him before himself and his family. The next words are, “This was my home, All this pain and devastation, How it tortures me inside, All the innocent who suffer, From your stubbornness and pride.” It must have been torture to watch his home of 40 years be plagued, people he must have known, suffering, and yet it he must take a stand for God, but he never acts smug like he enjoys it. He then says, “You who I call brother, Why must you call down another blow.” Moses must have been begging Ramseys, for his own sake, for the sake of all this once held dear, to let the Hebrews go.

Ramseys returns with, “You who I call brother, How could you have come to hate me so, Is this what you wanted?” This part just kills me.

Ramseys is like anyone who doesn't know God. He doesn't understand what's going on, and is taking Moses actions personally. He's letting them offend his pride, convinced and unwilling to see that he could, in fact, be wrong to hold the Hebrews. Instead he's choosing to believe that Moses is confronting him smugly, that he's doing this for power, to humiliate and ruin him. Even after so many plagues, he refuses again and again, making and breaking promises. He must have known it was God at some point, but it was just a power issue by that time, and he wasn't about to give in, even to a God with so much power he had personally experienced. How much pride, and yet I understand that anger that makes you so unreasonable. I don't know how, but seeing this pride in people doesn't anger me, it doesn't make me say, “What an idiot for being so full of themselves.” It makes me weep for them. I guess it's this.

When we are without God, our world revolves around defending and taking care of ourselves. It's the way we have to live and think to survive. God knows this, I'm sure this compassion in me comes from Him. People are blinded to and don't want to believe someone might actually take care of and defend them Himself; maybe out of pride, maybe out of fear and doubt, or maybe just out of selfish-ness and just plain wanting to live by your own rules even if it means living without that faithful, ever-loving person.

Ramseys then says, “Then let my heart be hardened, And nevermind how high the cost may grow, This will still be so, I will never let your people go.” Again, this just kills me inside; when someone rejects God. This makes those verses in the Bible, “And Pharaoh hardened his heart,” make so much more sense, on an emotional level. What I mean by that is, the song and the film, make Ramseys choice to harden his heart, his indignant indifference, seem like a realistic reaction. Some might say, “God's existence should have been obvious to him- who in their right mind would continue to fight against God?” But this added emotional plotline, makes me look at Ramseys and want to cry, because I might have made the same choices in his place.

Maybe because I've been deeply plotting my own angry villains lately and I see their mental processes more clearly, in a way that makes sense and makes their lives just plain sad. I just look at a villain, at anyone who's mean, and I see a child; afraid and angry, trying to obtain something they think they desperately need- love, power, control, security, money.

I've said for a while now, we're all just a bunch of children pretending to be grown up. Without God, we believe have to look out for ourselves, if we don't, we'll get hurt by those who really just enjoy hurting others. There's a guy I know, and he's such a macho, mean guy, but I can't stop seeing him as this scared little boy who needs people to think he's strong. I mean he feels the need to be mean to kids to make himself feel better. I look at him and my heart wrings, almost making me physically wince, because I feel his fear; he's just a scared little boy- he's so scared.

To wrap this whole post up, I almost can't believe how accurate the music in this movie is with the scripture. Even the very mood of the music, with the right lyrics, communicating the correct emotion with words that could be taken harshly and making them deeply strong and loving. Whoever wrote and composed this music knew what they were doing, or perhaps they had no idea; that only makes the music all the more powerful.

Something

So I don't know what I'm doing with this post yet. I just have things I want to say, and I was thinking of recording a video, but I can't at this very moment, because I share a room with my sister, and it's 12:12 am soooo. I might as well right it out here as a test run on the subject, just so I know what I might want to say. The things I want to talk about aren't Christ centered, but that's also why I want to write this here first, so I can get the right perspective on the subject before I let my mouth run.

I'm sooo shy. I struggle with normal conversations with my parent's sometimes... Okay a lot of times. I just suck at talking. Or at least that's the easy excuse I can use for my lack of social success, without actually having to deal with my problem.

I seriously can't let anyone know I'm scared- or lost- or weak. I have issues. This only accounts to about half of my shyness now and is slowly draining from my system as I try and work these things out- but the other half consists of the fear of your rejection or disapproval of me as a person. I don't- can't- live with the thought that anyone thinks badly of me. It haunts me and torments me at all times at which I have not successfully distracted myself of it. Sometimes, I have been able to shake someone's disapproval enough to recognize and believe that their feelings of me are unprovoked and stupid, but I hold pretty high standards for myself, so that doesn't happen often.

WITH the need to gain your approval also comes the desire to just cater to you simply because I am that way. I don't care for myself very much, and I'm very easily pleased, (or maybe hard to please), so I just want to make you as comfortable and happy as possible. Please don't hate me. I just- I have issues okay. I admit it wholeheartedly. And you have to admit that being a considerate, selfless person isn't a bad thing, as long as it's exercised in balance and for the right reasons.

I am a people-pleaser, but I am still my own person. It may be like pulling teeth for me to be my own person around you, but I won't change my beliefs, disown my values, or deny my faith to make someone happy; I know when pleasing someone has gone too far.

I've discovered recently, that I feel more comfortable talking with someone when I can't see their face. Literally, in the dark, where they can't see my facial expressions, and I feel safe in the darkness, and I can't see their expressions, which leaves me no room for trying to find out what they secretly thought of my words. There's very few people now that I think of it, that I feel truly comfortable around.

Me and my mom watched Runaway Bride the night before last, and I realized that I am like Maggie. I conform myself to what other's need or want in a friend, and I don't even know who I am. I know to an extent, and I have opinions, but I get lost and confused when trying to talk to someone, like I just disown myself for survival. If you could only know how scared it makes me- the thought of talking with someone.

I don't even know how I'm close to my brothers. Am I just comfortable around them? Or is it that I have an idea of who I'm supposed to be when I'm with them and I fall into place. My sister now, is a whole other story. I am who I am with my little sister, except I can't be weak around her.

I'm getting very good- I'm sorry- it's 1:21 am, if my conversation becomes erratic to you it's because I'm falling asleep. I'm getting very good at conversing, but it's still not me I think. I'm still creating a facade of who I want to be in front of a specific person- or who I think I need to be to survive in their presence. UHG.

I want friends. It's just like jumping off a cliff to me. Even just like getting myself down a water slide; I'm just too scared to move, even though I know I probably won't get hurt, I'm just scared of the ups and downs of the ride. AND IFF I get myself down that slide, I'm as rigid as a board and nothing changes- no progress is made, because I just fumble my way to the end of the conversation with default answers that won't get me killed. What is my problem.

I'm getting anxiety right now just thinking about it. Sometimes, it would just be easier to never make friends with anyone, but I'm not that kind of person. I want people in my life desperately, but I almost feel like I'm not a person, like I'm just a blob, forming myself into whoever I need to be at the time to get by and it flipping-pancakes sucks.

I've never struggled with feeling like I don't know who I am, and that's not really what I'm struggling with. The issue is feeling like I actually am not anyone particular. That won't ruin my life, but it doesn't feel good either.

WOw this got depressing fast.

The reasons I feel this way are this. Try to talk to me, and I don't have anything to say for myself, because I'm too scared to think of anything to say at all. When I do try to make friends, they don't stay my friends, they don't like me, they leave. Maybe I'm annoying, maybe I'm boring; either way, when I have been outgoing, it doesn't help anything- nobody stays anyway.

I was watching vlogs on youtube for fun- stupid fluffy vlogs like, "How To Get A Guy To Like You," or "Seven Things Guy's Find Attractive In Girls." Thing is, by these vlogs [which I'm not even sure if I should be using these as reference] I have all this down- if these guys are being honest. And yet I've never once had a guy like me. It has to be my personality. }:/ uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg. Maybe I'm just scared, and nobody believes me- they just think I'm being dramatic, fishing for sympathy, or stand-off-ish. I don't know.

Lost

I haven't written much of my own thoughts in a long time. Maybe because I gave people the link to my blog, and quickly realized how much I didn't want some to see all my thoughts. I can post them for strangers to stumble upon; they can't hurt me with more than a comment before I disregard them. My family and friends on the other hand- well I am subject to their comments at all times, and I actually care what they think of me.

I've come to so much realization recently. I've done so much growing in the past year of my life that it's almost overwhelming to think of. I hadn't realized how stagnant I was, until I began to really face myself, and desire to change. In some ways this is more frustrating than not, in the sense that I can't change myself. I see just how prideful a person I am, and I can't escape it; I'm drowning in it. I know can change me- I know He is changing me. I've seen His faithfulness to completely change my views, and it's changes like this that I hold onto- that He is working in me. There's nothing I like better than to see progress in anything I do, or in this case wait for.

I don't want to care what people think of me- I hate it with a passion. I almost feel as if I didn't for a while, and then something threw me back- but maybe I was just deceiving myself before. In finding pride in my own opinions and ideas- to think that that was confidence- when it was really just arrogance.

I want a balance, I want to be confident in my existence and value in Christ, without priding myself- and I am very prideful. My pride 'causes me to fear the opinions of other's conform to their idea's, or fully reject them. My pride keeps me polite and fake with people, to keep from making a fool of myself, and keeps me quiet to survive social situations. Without fail every time I open my mouth I regret it. You don't know how many times a day I grimace to myself at a memory of my foolishness.

And again I remember that I'm writing this to strangers- perhaps friends as well- but I wouldn't know who. Maybe it's a pride in itself to assume anyone reads this lol. Let me picture this as a white void, where no one hears me but God, and then let's see how I sound.

I feel very lost lately. I know the things You want of me at the moment, but I still feel very lost. I feel different- I don't even know what I feel. I'm in a strange season again, as if I'm in the same place I was last year at this time. Not that I didn't change, but that I've made a complete circle. Maybe I'm not getting the fellowship I need- I know I'm not getting as much of Your word and Your presence as I need, but I'm striving in those spiritual disciplines daily- You know Lord. I'm so horribly structured in things I shouldn't be, and flaky in the things that should have structure. I want to decide how my life should be right now and forever, and let nothing change. Change scares me very much. If only I knew what was coming- knew everything I needed to do and be- but then I wouldn't need to depend on You daily then would I.

I hate waiting and wondering and I have no clue as how to change my course from something I've resigned myself to. I'm afraid of deciding on one way to find out my life is really to go the other way, and yet I'm afraid of living day by day, waiting to see which way it will go. I'm afraid of daydreams- because they make me want what I've imagined- and I cannot keep myself from daydreaming.

I feel so spiritually knotted up right now, I don't even know what to pray. Like I said- I feel lost.