Control vs True Love

I hate when 'Christian' husbands think they need to control their wives. The Bible never says, 'Husbands control your wives,' it says, 'Husbands love your wives.' Yeah it says men in leadership in the church should have obedient and submissive wives, but that's out of her own will, not that he requires that of her. If men would just humble themselves before God- as well as women, but we're not addressing that at the moment- and let God lead them in being the Spiritual Leader their wives and children need, then their wives would know God and want to serve and seek Him, and that would include wanting to be the helpmeet to their husbands, letting him lead, desiring to build him up, rather than tear him down, all because God loves them, and wants them to love Him, and to love Him, you want to be obedient and honoring to Him, and those are all the ways He wants you to live alongside your husband. The requirement of having an obedient wife to be in leadership in church is not a standard, it's the visible fruit that the husband is leading and loving his wife as God calls him to. It works the same way with Pastors. They're not called to control their flock and keep them from sinning, they're only called to lead the flock, on how to seek God, know Jesus, love Jesus, which will only flourish a natural desire to know God's commands, and obey and honor Him, because we love Him. Finally, God works the same way with us. He doesn't control us or force our obedience, even though He can and has every right to. He gives us freewill, because He doesn't want to control us, He wants to love us, so that we desire to obey and honor Him. He doesn't want obedient robots or bitter slaves, He wants willing people, who love Him, and desire to serve Him. True love is so much stronger than sheer force, and God's love is the One true love.

Venting To God

I love that God doesn't tell us to keep our feelings and opinions in. He wants us to talk to Him, tell Him when we're scared, struggling, feeling forsaken, hurt, or angry. He'll open your eyes and reveal to your heart, with such gentle kindness, His love for you, that your opinions and your feelings will change. He doesn't want you to pretend you're happy when you're not. What kind of relationship is that, where you can't tell the other person something- anything? Telling someone they can't talk about how they feel inside, is like telling someone they can't talk about what they feel on the outside: hunger, thirst, pain, irritation, cold, hot. What if someone you love, your child, never told you they were hungry? Wouldn't that break your heart? Because you love them? Now consider the inside, and how debilitating and consuming our emotional pain can be. If you truly loved someone, it would kill you that they never told you when they were hurting. I always tell myself, I don't have the right to be angry with someone I feel has hurt me, unless I tell them. How else would they know? Not forgetting that God never does us wrong, but He knows how it is to be on the other side, here on earth, out of the Father's presence, and He knows everything. He knows we don't understand, and how frightening and painful that can be. He knows our pasts, how we've been hurt before, and can't conceive a sinless person who would never do us wrong, but He loves us, and He wants doesn't want us to pretend. He wants us to understand. Even if you come to God, forgetting His love toward you and His promises, He will set your heart straight because you came. The great thing about venting to God, is that He has the ability to actually change your heart. When venting to someone else, or even just yourself, your heart and the problem don't change, and it's frustrating.

Uhg.

I am such a- is there even a word to describe what I am? I wear my heart on my sleeve, to be bumped and bruised, but not for anyone else to see; no, no one is allowed to see my true feelings. I'm a coward, so afraid of everything. A doubter, so ready to assume the worst of people; not that their intentions are evil, but that they don't care, are just entertaining me, don't mean anything they say, because it's so easy to say things you don't mean. I'm so full of hope it's hopeless. I always hope the best of people, even after I doubt, I hold onto hope for dear life, until it's certain they're not my friend. I'm so gracious I allow others to hurt me over and over, excusing their behavior for immaturity, hidden suffering, loneliness. I let people in when I shouldn't. I guess there really is no way to love without allowing others the ability to harm you. The only consolation I have is in Christ, that no matter how emotionally beat up or broken I get, Jesus loves me, and proved it by living in poverty, in ridicule, in hardship, just to die, so I didn't have to, and on top of all that, pouring his grace and blessings over me, pushed down, shaken, and overflowing into my lap. It doesn't matter who hurts me or how, when I have Jesus, I am made complete; it doesn't matter what they take from me, confidence, security, freedom, once I have Christ I am complete, and nothing could remove that wholeness from me.

God Is In Control

Can I just say, in the most loving and heartfelt way, that this whole *savesaeed thing, has me a little torn. I mean I feel like people are hopping on it like a bandwagon. "A Christian has been thrown in jail for his faith!" Why is this suddenly so popular and important 'now'? Never in history has there been a time where Christians weren't thrown in jail for professing Jesus Christ. YES, it still happens today, everywhere, all over the place, all the time, but suddenly since it's an American in jail, we care more. Don't we understand that Christians all over the world are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we should have the same urgency and love for them, as we're showing Pastor Saeed? I see things on him personally: Saeed- American, Pastor, Husband. Please, go to prisoneralert.com or persecution.com and read the life stories of men and women imprisoned in their own countries for decades still, some they don't even know if they're alive anymore.

Also, yes, we want him released, but- and I admit this is something I've been scared to say for a while now- I pray more fervently that God will continue to work in his life, in whatever He's doing, and give Saeed peace and comfort and strength to endure it. The strongest of us all, have endured the most for Christ; Paul, Corrie Ten Boom, Richard Wurmbrand. I see Saeed imprisoned and I think, "God is doing a work, a frightening and painful work, but silver and gold have to go through fire to be refined."

Please don't think I'm being insensitive or pridefully thinking I could endure much for Christ. This has nothing to do with me. I am weak to suffer for Jesus but I have a heart that is willing at the least, and even though I won't act long-suffering for God all the time, I know it's something He calls me to.

"In this world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

God is doing something with Pastor Saeed, he's not out of God's reach or control; He allowed this. If only to save one soul, it's worth it, because Saeed is safe. Once we have Christ in our lives, nothing, not tribulation, not death, can separate us from God; we're homefree. No one can take away our eternal security.

Nate Saint was witnessing to tribes in South America, and his son asked him, "If they attack you, will you use the gun?" He replied, "Son, we can't shoot the Waodani, they are not ready for Heaven. We are." He was killed not long after, and that example didn't leave his son looking for revenge, it sent his son, and his wife, and the wives and children of the other men with him, to the same tribe, to live with them, and witness to them, and show them the mercy and grace and forgiveness of God.

God knows what He's doing, and I pray that He would bring Saeed home safe to his family soon, but more over I pray that His will be done, and whatever He's doing He accomplishes through Saeed, and that Saeed will be strengthened, empowered, and comforted by His Holy Spirit, to depend on God as He leads him through the fire.

Something Philosophical

I'm gonna post something philosophical now, lol, ready? Something must be said about being able to wash the make up from your face and say, "There I am." I haven't been able to do that in- ever, until now. I avoided wearing makeup because it was depressing to wash off, and feel I was somehow washing away beauty, only to be left with my face, which I was not very satisfied with. I realized though, that this was a cycle. If someone could tell me I look good without makeup, why couldn't I see it? I was desensitized. I needed to stop wearing makeup, to give myself time to get used to the way I look, before I could find myself beautiful. It took years, it was hard; walking around without any makeup on, feeling ugly for the majority of the time, feeling less-than because I wasn't doing something that every other girl I knew did and that society told me I had to do to be beautiful. I still enjoy putting on makeup, I enjoy wearing it, but I couldn't keep going on like that every day; it was awful. When I wore makeup, I felt ugly every night when it came time to wash it off. When I stopped wearing makeup, I was forced to look at what God gave me every day, all day, and it became beautiful, like anything else in the world can if we give it a chance. Today, I put on makeup. Tonight, I postponed washing it off as long as I could, like I always do, because it's the scariest part of wearing makeup. But when I washed it off tonight, instead of feeling like I was washing off beauty, I felt like I was washing away fake. I started to see my face, and remembered who I am underneath and how I love the way I look now. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm who God made me. I thought, "There you are," to myself, "this is the woman I want people to know; this is the woman I want someone to fall in love with one day." This is groundbreaking. To be happy with my own face, fresh, unpainted. I liked the way my makeup looked today, but not as much as I liked seeing my face washed clean. I can honestly say I like my own face without makeup better than with. This is crazy.

Isaiah 54

Nothing you do can make God love you more, or be more pleased with you than He already is, once you accept Christ's death as payment over your sins. Not reading your Bible, obeying Him, being kind, attending church. Once you take Jesus on as Lord of your life, all God sees when He looks at your record, is Jesus' blamelessness. I can't stand hearing Pastors talk jokingly about God, "smacking you upside the head" or allowing something into your life out of spite. 

Isaiah 54:4-10 
""Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame; 
don't be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. 
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
and you will no longer remember
the disgrace of your widowhood.
Indeed your husband is your Maker-
His name is Yahweh of Hosts-
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.
For the Lord has called you,
like a wife deserted and wounded in spirit,
a wife of one's youth when she was rejected,"
says your God.
"I deserted you for a brief moment,--""
[in our sin He had to turn away from us]
""--but I will gather you up with great mercies.--""
[sending His Son, Jesus, to reconcile us to Him,
then making us blameless and justified in His sight]
""--In a surge of anger
I hid My face from you for a mere moment,
but I will have compassion on you
with 'everlasting' love," says the Lord your Redeemer.
"For this is like the days of Noah to me;
when I swore that the waters of Noah
would never flood the earth again,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you
nor rebuke you. Though the mountains may shake
and the hills may crumble,
My love will not be removed from you
and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,"
says your compassionate Lord."

I wish I could find a message on these verses. Everyone says they know that works aren't what save us, but the way people are living, that's what they believe in their hearts; that somehow, their behavior and staying on God's good side, is saving them. Yes, God will chasen and chide who He loves, but He will do it in love. For so long I had this image of God that He was shaking his head at me, and sighing in exasperation at my failures. I don't think that's true; when I abide under the blood of Jesus Christ, I am blameless in His sight. The goal in life is not to live good because God will strike you down, or give up on you, it's to strive to be what God see's of you now. He see's holiness and righteousness, He's saved you from sin, so try to be what He see's of you now, and don't return to your sin like a dog to it's vomit.

What I Long For

It's taken me some time to realize that, I'm not longing for a husband, a more attentive grandpa, a more understanding father, a more protective brother, or a more stable guy in my life, in all, I'm longing for Jesus. These guys in my life, as well as the girls, will all fall short in the end, and never be enough to satisfy my soul, but Christ is enough. He is the loving husband, the attentive grandfather, the adoring father, the protective brother, and the only stable male in my life. Understand, I'm not dismissing every guy in my life, I love the wonderful guys God has put in my path. I love my dad, my grandpa, my brothers, my friends, but they are human, and need Jesus as much as I do. He is the father that is never disappointed and always makes you feel like a princess. The grandfather that is always there. The brother that treats you like His own daughter. The man that comes into your life and sees you in a way, no one else saw you before, for who you truly are, and He loves it. He is everything you dream of; everything you think doesn't exist. He's real.