Enough About Me

So this blog will be a constant pouring out of my heart, letting you know the ways God brings me closer to Him. Recently, I have come to knew revelations of who God is. I've known Him since I was seven, but did I ever really know Him? About three years ago, I hit my lowest point, and asked myself that very question. Did I ever know God, was I ever truly saved? It was a long time before I bounced back, and it took a lot of self-examination. I wanted God, I loved Him, but I was so ashamed of the sins I had discovered in my life. I didn't pray for months because I had this block of guilt that would bring my face to the ground in His presence and yet I couldn't say a word. I had no defense, no excuse, only pleading, and I couldn't even bring myself to beg for forgiveness because I knew I didn't deserve even that. Everything turned out alright, I wanted God, sought Him out even though I would remain silent in His presence. He brought the changing to me, I could never go to God, God comes to us. The changes were evident now, my isolated life of depression was being radically challenged and I found myself, dragging myself, because of the tugging of the Holy Spirit to do things I had resigned myself unable to do. I was pulled out of my comfort zone, I would never do things that I wasn't sure of; things where I wasn't precisely sure of what was going to happen. One being church camp. I suddenly wanted to go, after years of writing it off. It was honestly a miracle that got me there, my friend worked Thanksgiving Day to pay my price, and it was life a changing time. I was moved by the last study, my eyes were opened, even for a small message, it was a message from God to me. I never go up to ask for prayer, but God told me to, and after a few worship songs of putting it off, I got up and was prayed for. I will never forget my time there, I met with God on that mountain. I came back down feeling renewed and encouraged of God's love for me and closeness in my being. Six to seven months after I had my revelation, the summer before my Senior year, I found myself googleing for short term mission trips to Russia. Then discovered a website, russianchristianmissions.org [previously 4inthefire.org] and couldn't stop this snowball of a situation. I spent ours into the night reading everything on the website, downloaded their survival guide. I don't know why I did this. I remember finding out Russia isn't exactly a free nation still, and then looking into this new found information. I remember being reminded of how Voice of the Martyrs and Operation Christmas Child came to speak at my elementary school every Christmas and they would tell stories of children in Russia and China and other communist nations, who had or were still living out their faith for Christ in persecution. I remembered being drawn to this, wanting to be a missionary, taking the funding so seriously, it was my favorite part of school. Suddenly a thought came to mind, like God speaking to me, inaudible, it was just an all-at-once thought. "That was your dream. What happened to it? Where's the girl who wanted to live for Christ? Die for Christ? You can have this still if you want it." It makes me think now of the verse, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." I was so taken aback. I was the shyest girl anyone knew, I wouldn't go to camp, I wouldn't order my food at the counter, I wouldn't by my own Starbucks, I wouldn't talk on the phone, or to people I didn't know, I wouldn't even go to the school events. At that moment, I thought I would never be a missionary, it was impossible, I would never have the courage. But I do love to day dream, so I kept researching, and entertaining with the idea. When I went to church camp, December 2011, after almost a year and six months of considering this trip, I was certain God was calling me there, and I haven't recanted of that yet. I got home, and got on my computer, and committed to the trip. Since then I have been quickly and yet slowly losing myself to God. I love it. The more I let go, the more He encompasses me. It hasn't been a breeze, it's been a rough roller-coaster over the past 10 months. At one point I found myself saying to God, "Never in my life have I lived out my faith so boldly as this, to go where You call me, and yet I've never felt so far from You." I've had to face some real challenges with my shyness, and God is making me a new person. My faith will be tested like never before, it's already been tested since I committed to going on this trip; it's been tested since I made a commitment to Christ. Now in the last two months before my trip, I know things are going to intense. It would be unrealistic to expect otherwise and remain unprepared. Keep me in prayer. I went on a weekend mission trip to Mexico with my cousin and some people from both our churches in June. It was an eye opener; not only to mission work, but to myself, and how much work I still need. Thankyou for reading and I invite you to join me, as I continue to lose myself to God.

Acts 21:13 "What do you mean by weeping and breaking my heart? For I am prepared, not only to be bound, but also to die, for the Lord Jesus Christ."