Uhg.

I am such a- is there even a word to describe what I am? I wear my heart on my sleeve, to be bumped and bruised, but not for anyone else to see; no, no one is allowed to see my true feelings. I'm a coward, so afraid of everything. A doubter, so ready to assume the worst of people; not that their intentions are evil, but that they don't care, are just entertaining me, don't mean anything they say, because it's so easy to say things you don't mean. I'm so full of hope it's hopeless. I always hope the best of people, even after I doubt, I hold onto hope for dear life, until it's certain they're not my friend. I'm so gracious I allow others to hurt me over and over, excusing their behavior for immaturity, hidden suffering, loneliness. I let people in when I shouldn't. I guess there really is no way to love without allowing others the ability to harm you. The only consolation I have is in Christ, that no matter how emotionally beat up or broken I get, Jesus loves me, and proved it by living in poverty, in ridicule, in hardship, just to die, so I didn't have to, and on top of all that, pouring his grace and blessings over me, pushed down, shaken, and overflowing into my lap. It doesn't matter who hurts me or how, when I have Jesus, I am made complete; it doesn't matter what they take from me, confidence, security, freedom, once I have Christ I am complete, and nothing could remove that wholeness from me.

God Is In Control

Can I just say, in the most loving and heartfelt way, that this whole *savesaeed thing, has me a little torn. I mean I feel like people are hopping on it like a bandwagon. "A Christian has been thrown in jail for his faith!" Why is this suddenly so popular and important 'now'? Never in history has there been a time where Christians weren't thrown in jail for professing Jesus Christ. YES, it still happens today, everywhere, all over the place, all the time, but suddenly since it's an American in jail, we care more. Don't we understand that Christians all over the world are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we should have the same urgency and love for them, as we're showing Pastor Saeed? I see things on him personally: Saeed- American, Pastor, Husband. Please, go to prisoneralert.com or persecution.com and read the life stories of men and women imprisoned in their own countries for decades still, some they don't even know if they're alive anymore.

Also, yes, we want him released, but- and I admit this is something I've been scared to say for a while now- I pray more fervently that God will continue to work in his life, in whatever He's doing, and give Saeed peace and comfort and strength to endure it. The strongest of us all, have endured the most for Christ; Paul, Corrie Ten Boom, Richard Wurmbrand. I see Saeed imprisoned and I think, "God is doing a work, a frightening and painful work, but silver and gold have to go through fire to be refined."

Please don't think I'm being insensitive or pridefully thinking I could endure much for Christ. This has nothing to do with me. I am weak to suffer for Jesus but I have a heart that is willing at the least, and even though I won't act long-suffering for God all the time, I know it's something He calls me to.

"In this world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

God is doing something with Pastor Saeed, he's not out of God's reach or control; He allowed this. If only to save one soul, it's worth it, because Saeed is safe. Once we have Christ in our lives, nothing, not tribulation, not death, can separate us from God; we're homefree. No one can take away our eternal security.

Nate Saint was witnessing to tribes in South America, and his son asked him, "If they attack you, will you use the gun?" He replied, "Son, we can't shoot the Waodani, they are not ready for Heaven. We are." He was killed not long after, and that example didn't leave his son looking for revenge, it sent his son, and his wife, and the wives and children of the other men with him, to the same tribe, to live with them, and witness to them, and show them the mercy and grace and forgiveness of God.

God knows what He's doing, and I pray that He would bring Saeed home safe to his family soon, but more over I pray that His will be done, and whatever He's doing He accomplishes through Saeed, and that Saeed will be strengthened, empowered, and comforted by His Holy Spirit, to depend on God as He leads him through the fire.

Something Philosophical

I'm gonna post something philosophical now, lol, ready? Something must be said about being able to wash the make up from your face and say, "There I am." I haven't been able to do that in- ever, until now. I avoided wearing makeup because it was depressing to wash off, and feel I was somehow washing away beauty, only to be left with my face, which I was not very satisfied with. I realized though, that this was a cycle. If someone could tell me I look good without makeup, why couldn't I see it? I was desensitized. I needed to stop wearing makeup, to give myself time to get used to the way I look, before I could find myself beautiful. It took years, it was hard; walking around without any makeup on, feeling ugly for the majority of the time, feeling less-than because I wasn't doing something that every other girl I knew did and that society told me I had to do to be beautiful. I still enjoy putting on makeup, I enjoy wearing it, but I couldn't keep going on like that every day; it was awful. When I wore makeup, I felt ugly every night when it came time to wash it off. When I stopped wearing makeup, I was forced to look at what God gave me every day, all day, and it became beautiful, like anything else in the world can if we give it a chance. Today, I put on makeup. Tonight, I postponed washing it off as long as I could, like I always do, because it's the scariest part of wearing makeup. But when I washed it off tonight, instead of feeling like I was washing off beauty, I felt like I was washing away fake. I started to see my face, and remembered who I am underneath and how I love the way I look now. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm who God made me. I thought, "There you are," to myself, "this is the woman I want people to know; this is the woman I want someone to fall in love with one day." This is groundbreaking. To be happy with my own face, fresh, unpainted. I liked the way my makeup looked today, but not as much as I liked seeing my face washed clean. I can honestly say I like my own face without makeup better than with. This is crazy.

Isaiah 54

Nothing you do can make God love you more, or be more pleased with you than He already is, once you accept Christ's death as payment over your sins. Not reading your Bible, obeying Him, being kind, attending church. Once you take Jesus on as Lord of your life, all God sees when He looks at your record, is Jesus' blamelessness. I can't stand hearing Pastors talk jokingly about God, "smacking you upside the head" or allowing something into your life out of spite. 

Isaiah 54:4-10 
""Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame; 
don't be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. 
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
and you will no longer remember
the disgrace of your widowhood.
Indeed your husband is your Maker-
His name is Yahweh of Hosts-
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.
For the Lord has called you,
like a wife deserted and wounded in spirit,
a wife of one's youth when she was rejected,"
says your God.
"I deserted you for a brief moment,--""
[in our sin He had to turn away from us]
""--but I will gather you up with great mercies.--""
[sending His Son, Jesus, to reconcile us to Him,
then making us blameless and justified in His sight]
""--In a surge of anger
I hid My face from you for a mere moment,
but I will have compassion on you
with 'everlasting' love," says the Lord your Redeemer.
"For this is like the days of Noah to me;
when I swore that the waters of Noah
would never flood the earth again,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you
nor rebuke you. Though the mountains may shake
and the hills may crumble,
My love will not be removed from you
and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,"
says your compassionate Lord."

I wish I could find a message on these verses. Everyone says they know that works aren't what save us, but the way people are living, that's what they believe in their hearts; that somehow, their behavior and staying on God's good side, is saving them. Yes, God will chasen and chide who He loves, but He will do it in love. For so long I had this image of God that He was shaking his head at me, and sighing in exasperation at my failures. I don't think that's true; when I abide under the blood of Jesus Christ, I am blameless in His sight. The goal in life is not to live good because God will strike you down, or give up on you, it's to strive to be what God see's of you now. He see's holiness and righteousness, He's saved you from sin, so try to be what He see's of you now, and don't return to your sin like a dog to it's vomit.

What I Long For

It's taken me some time to realize that, I'm not longing for a husband, a more attentive grandpa, a more understanding father, a more protective brother, or a more stable guy in my life, in all, I'm longing for Jesus. These guys in my life, as well as the girls, will all fall short in the end, and never be enough to satisfy my soul, but Christ is enough. He is the loving husband, the attentive grandfather, the adoring father, the protective brother, and the only stable male in my life. Understand, I'm not dismissing every guy in my life, I love the wonderful guys God has put in my path. I love my dad, my grandpa, my brothers, my friends, but they are human, and need Jesus as much as I do. He is the father that is never disappointed and always makes you feel like a princess. The grandfather that is always there. The brother that treats you like His own daughter. The man that comes into your life and sees you in a way, no one else saw you before, for who you truly are, and He loves it. He is everything you dream of; everything you think doesn't exist. He's real.

But Tarry

I just got back from Russia on a missionary trip. It was amazing, but it has opened my eyes to a problem in my life; not only the trip, but God has been bringing this to my attention for some time now, I have just experienced it first hand while in Russia, or maybe when I got back.
While I was there, I noticed, once again, my failing, or struggle, to read my Bible and meet with God every morning. It's not a ritual, it's not needed, but that drive and desire to come to God first thing in the morning just isn't in me. And yet it's in everyone around me. I am painfully aware that I am missing something in my walk. For a while I thought it was my salvation, but that wasn't adding up. Salvation comes in an instant when asked for with a sincere heart, understanding you're sin, the need for repentance, that this is giving your life to Christ, and letting Him be Lord of your life. I know all this, I believe all this, but something is still missing.
Remember before Jesus ascended, He commanded the disciples, and all His followers, to "tarry in Jerusalem until you are endued with power on high." He said, "I will send my helper to you, but he can't come until I have gone." The disciples went back to Jerusalem for a few weeks if I'm correct. Are we assuming that it took a few weeks of determined prayer for their salvation to take affect?  They were already saved at this time. So what is this? And why haven't we done this? We in America are all so timid and scared to share our faith, either that or we do it with pride, debating to show our intelligence instead of share the Gospel. We are missing the Holy Spirits presence in our lives. We're living off our own drive, our own determination, our own power, our own ability to serve God, and we can't. It is physically impossible to be all that God wants of us. We're trying to do this on our own when God has offered us the indwelling of His Holy Spirit to bring us through our walk with Him. We can't love God the way we should. We can't serve God the way we should. We can't reflect Him on our own. We should be totally dependent on the Holy Spirit. In His presence we are helpless and nothing, and His love is so encompassing and suffocating, it would kill our physical bodies to experience the full effect of it.
From here on out, I'm going to tarry in Jerusalem for the Holy Spirit. I don't care how long it takes, I can't take any steps forward until I'm endued with the power and the confidence of Christ. I need that fire, that drive, I want the presence of God in my life, and I want to desire it more than food, more than water, more than comfort, more than fleshly love. I'll go out to the wilderness and cry to the sky for the presence of God in my life. I'll sit in the dark and whisper into the silence for His fire to ignite in me. I will seek Him earnestly, devoutly; I want this more than anything. It will be hard, self-denying, a fast of everything that takes up my time. I won't ignore responsibility, but I'll put this before it. God come upon me! I wont stop asking until You do! I want your Spirit! I want Your fire! "Take my body, take my blood! Spend it any way You choose."
Do you want more of God? Don't You want His promised helper? Or are you too busy to tarry in Jerusalem until He comes?