Feeling Bored? Read This.

I absolutely hate when life is unsatisfying. It feels suffocating, like my days are zooming by in flashing episodes, whether good or bad, they're not lasting and are only potent enough to entertain me for a moment, but the second I'm no longer engaged in anything, my life suddenly feels aimless. I spend those aimless moments trying to escape the feeling- go onto Facebook or Instagram- distracting myself with pointless posts and information that for some reason feel important and worth wasting my time on in the moment. But that's all it is: living in the moment, where priorities are warped and everything moves so fast, we don't have time to consider how pointless this all is, or how empty we feel. It's funny how I used to think I was just bored, but suddenly I can clearly feel the difference between being bored and being dissatisfied; being thirsty.

I don't know if it's just me or if everyone struggles with this too, but I just have so much trouble staying satisfied by God. I spent years looking and searching and intently pursuing things I thought would satisfy me, and the few scraps I've attained during my pursuits may have appeased me for a time, but they and the happiness they brought me didn't last, only leaving me feeling more empty than before. One day I was tired of it. I was praying and crying and so freaking done with spinning my wheels in the mud and asking God for this and that and whatever He gave me it and whatever I got myself, it never had anything lasting about it. I could feel those unseen forces whispering to my heart, so many heavy lies and I sat up, angry, and I said, “God- You're not a liar- You said You love me- You said You're grace is enough and only You can truly satisfy me- if I can't see or feel Your love- I'm the one with the problem- I'm the blind one- I'm the numb one- show me- show me how You love me- if You're grace is enough- I believe you- satisfy me- I don't know how You will and my flesh is afraid it won't feel satisfying- but I'm not looking to satisfy my flesh- You do whatever You say is enough- whatever I need, not what I want and You will be enough.”

I always tell people: you need to choose what you want to believe. I wanted to see proof of God's love, proof that He was going to give me the desires of my heart, before I truly surrendered to Him- I didn't realize it at the time, but I see it now. I kept saying I was giving this and that up to God, but deep in my heart, I wasn't, because I wanted it, and if He wasn't going to give it to me, I didn't know what I would do- die or die trying to get it myself. Luckily, I surrendered to God's love before reaching it myself, because not long after, when I was feeling ever so satisfied in God's love, that desire resurfaced and fell into my lap, and although it was wonderful and beautiful and almost everything I wanted, it turned out to not be what I expected, and not near satisfying. In fact, it brought more service than peaceful satisfaction.

But it took surrender and it still does every day. I had to surrender to God's love, before I was going to see the faithfulness of it in my life. I had to submit myself to it before I was going to feel it with certainty and believe it in the deepest parts of my heart. I had to choose to believe that God loved me more than a person could. I had to choose to believe that only He would satisfy my and that He would, in fact, satisfy me. Not believe it in my head, but hold onto it in my heart, like hoping on a promise and telling the Nay-Sayers, “I believe Him- He promised and I believe-” And never forget that YOU are a Nay-Sayer. You are going to be the hardest one to convince and the one harassing your own beliefs the most. You have to tell yourself what you're choosing to believe and hold onto to it every day.

I forgot about all this- I've been feeling so dissatisfied lately and wandering around without purpose. We spend our lives in pursuit of satisfaction, whether it's security, relationships, building a family, having wealth and being successful, or being recognized- none of these things will satisfy us. I can guarantee it. Some people say, we're not meant to be satisfied, that if we were, life would be boring, aimless- I agree- because being 'satisfied' in the things of this world does only leave you feeling aimless or let down- we need a constant pursuit and we need stability at the same time- that's why knowing who God is, is the only thing that will ever satisfy us: because there is an infinite universe to discover, of the character and love of God. I've heard people say that they don't want to go to Heaven because it will be boring- bad things won't be allowed to happen- what will there be to do for eternity? To live for- to fight for? Stories are life and no one wants to read a story where nothing bad happens. Sometimes we think the same thing about being satisfied with God- that once God satisfies us, all conflict in our lives will cease to exist, but if it did, our lives would still be aimless, there would be no growth, no purpose, no fight, no victory.

We need satisfaction in our lives but we also need pursuit. To be satisfied in God is not to be pulled out of all suffering and hardship, but to have a way through it. It's to be satisfied by your relationship with God, in the face of all pain. It's to have something to pursue that never runs dry, never fails you, never turns you away, never ends- there is always more to know of Jesus. He is both the Rock on which we can stand, supporting us in times of trouble, and the love of our lives, running excitedly toward the goal He has for us and calling us to pursue after Him, to run beside Him. He takes your hand, dragging you on behind Him, wanting earnestly to show you what's on the other side of each hill, and the hills never end, there's always another you can travel with Him, but they are full of valleys of rest, where we can sit and just enjoy Jesus. This is what satisfies- to spend the rest of your life, here and in eternity, getting to know God.

God Is Love

Do you wrestle with something someone did to you a long time ago? You've forgiven them, you don't even see them anymore, but you know where they are and what they're doing. You know that they continue to do what they did to you, to others, that they continue to manipulate and lead people in the wrong direction. It kills me to think of the havoc they are reeking. And you can't tell anyone about the wrong they've done, because they, and others, have told you, it's a sin to talk about, even if those people aren't sorry or don't consider it a mistake.

Clearly, they have something to hide if they blackmail me into silence with, 'it's a sin- if you talk about you'll be dividing a church and if you desire to tell people, than you are a back-bitter, seeking division.' And yet they can't even- or they simply refuse- to see why they fear other's knowing what they've done. I desire to tell people because I feel slapped and then sworn to secrecy. I feel someone I love was slapped, I was still sworn to secrecy, again and again. Because their actions tell me they don't practice what they preach- and in that case I feel I should warn the people they preach to- with great urgency and longing do I desire to warn them.

I don't stay silent because they commanded it. I stay silent because God has shown me, all actions, evil and good, He has only allowed because in the end He'll use them for good. All authorities, good and evil, are allowed because God will turn the evil on it's head for His glory. God doesn't need me to swoop in and save the day, He can tear a empire down in a second. He can reduce a cartel to dust before you can blink. He let's evil continue because He's working. 

God loves us, so He lets us choose if we will act good or evilly, not forcing good upon us or into our minds. He doesn't want mindless, obedient robots, or children who do good, knowing He watches, because they're afraid of a punishment. He wants children, who do good because they love Him, who will feel convicted in their hearts if they did something offensive to Him, even in His absence, because they respect Him. So He gave us freewill, and if He were to remove evil completely from the world, we would no longer obey out of love, but out of nature, because it would be the way we were programmed, and you might even say we would be trapped.

That being said, evil is still evil. God wants you to have a choice, but He being good, can't let evil run rampant or unpunished, after all, He created you, and if a man created even a robot that malfunctioned and hurt someone, he would be held responsible, at the very least for cleaning up the mess.

I'm not blaming God for the evil in the world, but I believe, Him being good and unconditionally loving His fallen creation, decided to put the responsibility on Himself to clean up OUR messes. He didn't have to, He created something with much more intelligence than a robot, made in His own image. We know what good is, but we still choose to be selfish at the expense of others. 

Now, because God has allowed freewill and choice, people seemingly get away with evil acts. We experience it every day, from an unprovoked harsh word to an unprovoked sexual assault. Evil is evil and it keenly stings when you're on the wrong end of it. It hurts you like a drug addiction from the other end. 

Why does God allow evil when He loves you? He loves the person who did evil to you, so He gave them freewill, but where does that put you? The answer is in the truth that He loves you just as much as them. 

God, being perfect and all-knowing, is in the business of turning evil upside-down for good.

Look at Jesus death. God took the greatest act of evil and hatred- an attempt on God's life, while in the form of a man- and made it the greatest act of love and self-sacrifice the world has ever seen, using His death to destroy death. He takes the wise things of man and makes them foolish and the foolish, insignificant things of man and makes them the greatest, most significant mysteries. God's forte is using Satan's attacks against him. Knowing this, look at the evil done to your life and believe God will or has used it for good. He is all-knowing, we can only see from where we stand, He is everywhere, above, below, on every side, in every dimension of the heart. He can see intentions, He can see reactions and consequences, He fits together every act, evil and good, like a grand puzzle, that will in the end proclaim to the universe, "I am God and I have always loved you."

All of history has one running theme between God and man. God makes a covenant with man and man fails. Look at Adam, with only one rule, don't eat the fruit. Abraham, wait and I'll give you a son. Moses, here's the entire law, laid out in detail for you. Every time, man failed. Something to notice deep within this running theme, is the decisions made before failure.

In the garden, Eve spoke with the serpent, and doubts of God were planted in her mind. His very character was being threatened. She chose to believe a lie, that God was keeping the fruit from her, keeping knowledge from her, lying to her about the consequences, all she chose to believe, from a complete, silver-tongued stranger.

Abraham and Sarah were told they would be given a son, who would in turn give way to entire nation of countless descendants. They were impatient and chose to believe, God couldn't give them a son in their old age. They took the promise into their own hands, ignoring God's timing and taking what they wanted now. They believed a lie.

When Moses led the children of Israel into the desert, God had more than proven His ability and desire to protect and love them, in the plagues and miracles He continued to perform, but again and again, they complained, turned from, and cowered before God.

My theory of this theme is that God hasn't been shaking His head at humanity for thousands of years, but instead been waiting patiently, exhausting every excuse His fallen creation could give and trying to convince them of His true character.

All God wants is for you to believe the truth of His love and cling to it. Don't let what you see or feel change the truth to a lie in your heart or mind. Remember His love. I forget it so often. I can preach it to others but I seem to forget how much He loves me, that He literally desires to spend time with me. For me to pour out my heart to Him, even though He knows it all already.

Remember that Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Moses and all of Israel, all had good desires, they just exercised them out of God's will, because they refused to believe in God's ability and desire to take care of them. Eve wanted knowledge- instead of asking God, she took what He commanded her not to. Abraham wanted God's promise fulfilled, instead of waiting on God, he followed Sarah's suggestion and took a second wife, to produce an offspring now. The children of Israel were afraid and tired of eating the same thing for months. Instead of believing God was capable and desiring to protect them and fulfill their needs, they complained, turned to idols, depended on what they could see from their limited perspective, and decided God couldn't or wouldn't take care of them.

The entire story of our existence, God has been trying to convince man of His true character, but we continue to believe lies, even as Christians. God hasn't been stumbling through history, cleaning up after us, or been pouring out exaggerated grace to get our attention. That unconditional grace is His true character- it's what He looks like every day. It's not His Sunday clothes or His painted face- it's how God actually is- unchanging through all eternity. He wasn't trying to reign in His creation, to fill Heaven so we could serve Him for eternity. He wants us to individually, personally, intimately, know His character, to be gathered into His arms and taken care of by Him for eternity. He paid the price so we could know His character. His actions aren't for the purpose of showing us, 'Look at all I've done for you', His actions are the natural outpourings of His desire to be reconciled with us.

In the face of evil, depend on God to defend you. Believe God only lets people get away with evil for a time, because in the end it will play out into His will. All pain and suffering is only allowed if it will do good in the end. Remember God is in control and all evil act has it's purpose, or it would have never been allowed to be committed. Above all, remember God is love.

An Open Letter To Shia LaBeouf

Dear Shia,

I am hoping desperately that you really have decided to follow Jesus. So many Christians have watched and loved you for such a long time, praying hard for you to seek and find God. How strange is that? Hundreds and thousands of people you've never, and might never- in this life- meet, have seen you and prayed for you. You don't know how torn I am at this news though; I feel like I'm holding my breath. I wish I could speak to you myself, about the things God has spoken and shown to you, and be comforted to believe the headlines by your sincerity and enthusiasm. It's crazy to think the connection we now have; the Bible talks about believers being “like-minded” and how that changes the dynamics of their relationships. That though they come from all walks of life, now share this love for God, this forgiveness and endless grace they've found and can interact as old friends because of this common ground that is now the foundation of their lives.

I'll pray that you don't become distracted by the world around you. Keep your eyes on Jesus; don't forget to cling to Him in everything. He is your defender. He's your healer. He's your strength. Jesus is everything you need and He is with you always.

Sincerely,

A sister in Christ

Afflictions

 “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” Psalm 119:71 This probably isn't anyone's favorite verse, but when you think about it, this is a verse we could use on our hearts all day long. How often do we feel afflicted during the day, by our bosses or coworkers or by inconsiderate strangers, or even by our own families? Granted our afflictions aren't always as horrible as they feel at the time, but they're afflictions to us all the same. There's a phrase I hear a lot from Christians, “The enemies attacking me.” I can't help but feel like this phrase is backwards to the perspective we should have to our afflictions and almost giving the enemy more power than he really has. Yes, the enemy attacks us, but I can't forget abut the first chapter of Job, that Satan had to ask God for permission to afflict Job. God loves us and I'm convinced only allows affliction in our lives when it's for good. How much more productive do you think we could be, if when something bad happens to us, instead of seeing it as the enemy attacking, we look at it as God refining us?

Psalm 66:10-12 says, “For You, O God, have proved us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.” When I first breezed over these verses, I thought, 'That's not right to blame God,' but as I read them again it made sense. Everything that's happened to us, whether we perceive it to be good or bad, was from God, with a purpose: to bring us closer to Him. How quickly might we move past our trials if we accredited them to His working in us, drawing us nearer in love. It won't be comfortable, painless, or easy, and God doesn't expect us to bury our emotions when we're hurting, He says, there is a time for mourning, but we don't need to be joyful to hold to the knowledge that it's all for good, we just need to cling to the truth that He loves us. Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The enemy has no power over us anymore, only the power God's given him to draw us nearer to Him. Our afflictions though painful are the cutting and polishing of precious stones, the refining of silver or gold, the long suffering of a grain of sand being transformed into a pearl in a clam.  

The Last Battle

 My mom absolutely loves The Chronicles of Narnia, but her favorite book in the series, has always been The Last Battle. She said more than any other book, it felt so real and relatable to our time right now. If you don't understand what I mean, it's that C. S. Lewis, whether purposely or unconsciously, created the Narnia series to parallel our world, from a Christian view.

The first book, the very first, The Magician's Nephew, is about creation. The creation of Narnia, by Aslan, the placing of Adam and Eve, over all the land, and the tempting from the serpent, or in this world, the witch, who continues to make herself known throughout the series in different forms.

The next book, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, is about the Gospel. The coming of a Messiah to spend His life to save His creation, fulfilling the law, that someone must die for sins, but establishing grace and forgiveness, that no one must die anymore.

The third book, The Horse and His Boy, takes place before the ending of The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, before the children have found their way back to our world, but have been living as Kings and Queens, marrying and having children and grandchildren. This is the golden age of Acts, after Jesus went back to Heaven, and the Church was ignited with the Holy Spirit. This seems to be a cessationist view [that the Holy Spirit has stopped giving such power to the church], but as you read on, it is clear it is not, and I'll go into this more later.

The next book is Prince Caspian, which I believe is a mirror of the Holocaust. The Narnians, all mystical creatures, talking animals, dwarves, setres, minatars, centuars, tree spirits, mermaids, ect. are being persecuted to the point of extinction, by a group of people Aslan allowed to wander into Narnia. The children are called back, by Prince Caspian, who's being hunted by his uncle for the crown. They return and lead with Narnians, giving them back their land.

The fifth book is The Voyage of The Dawn Treader, where the two younger children return to Narnia, with a cousin who's coming for the first time. They're not sure why they're back, but they're glad of it. They are picked up by Prince Caspian, who is on a voyage to find men who served his father, gone missing before the war to take back Narnia. I believe this is the age after the Holocaust, when Israel had returned to their land, and scripture was being discovered and sought out, and the Gospel was being spread like never before. They're in search of answers, of saints. They're taking the newly found freedom of the Kingdom, and spreading it to all the territories, freeing slaves and going into darkness to save people.

The sixth book is one of my favorites, The Silver Chair. When I read this book, I was convinced it was of our time. Right off the bat, the cousin and his friend, there for the first time, are given a message from Aslan to give to Prince Caspian, now an old man, but for the life of them, they cannot remember to give it, or what the message even was. They're pulled along into tribulation and struggles, rather than charging into battle themselves like the children before. Narnia is a dark place in this book and the Witch has taken Caspian's grandson captive in the underworld for some years now.

The final book, The Last Battle, is about Tribulation. Narnia has been seemingly alright now. Everyone almost seems complacent and doesn't think life will change any time soon, but things quickly go downhill, as Aslan returns, or so it seems, and is giving strange and awful commands. I began listening to this as an audio book on youtube, and I had to stop. I got to the chapter when the current king of Narnia has been captured and tied to a tree, and is praying to Aslan to truly return and save them. He begins to remember what he calls, the golden ages of Narnia, when the children, Narnia's Kings and Queens lived among them, and how they returned every time Narnia needed them. He then grows slightly bitter and says, but Alsan doesn't do that anymore, that was the old days. Returning to the third book, The Horse and His Boy, and how it seemed to hold a cessationist view of the Holy Spirit. This scene clearly hit me, like a brick wall. I hear so many people today saying, 'oh miracles were a good and all, but God doesn't do that anymore,' and it they're not saying it, they living that way. I heard the king praying and thinking these things and I was in awe.

How could C. S. Lewis know the attitude people would take in the last days. He could have guessed, but I believe God used him. I heard this scene and I thought, 'God still speaks through men, God still makes prophets.' I stopped the audio book, too obsessed with this scene to keep going and I went straight to mom, pouring out everything I had told her. I almost couldn't compose myself, and I could see she was struggling too. I was almost weeping because I was so in awe with God's power, His faithfulness, His grace. He used Lewis and wrote something prophetic. I won't hold it at level with the scriptures, but these books are amazing still.

The children at times represent Christians, and at others, represent the Holy Spirit. These are the last days, people are complacent, believing the world will go on as it has, but those with their eyes open will see the quick downward spiral we're taking. People cry out to God, but they don't believe the Holy Spirit will come and empower them. I felt a tugging on my heart after speaking with my mom- and I remembered a friend of mine telling me to be aware when the Holy Spirit is telling you to come away and be alone with God. I went upstairs, completely unable to keep myself from it, and I immediately began weeping. I didn't know why I was crying, but I was so in awe of everything I had just realized. I began to pray, for anything, I said, 'God I don't know why I'm crying, but I'll pray for anything You want me to.' I prayed and my heart was moved in such a way that it was not my own movement. It was as if the Holy Spirit was swaying my heart from person to person saying, “Now feel for them, now feel for this,” and I was now weeping for them as I prayed. I wept for my country, something I have never been compassionate or moved over, but I was in tears over America's loss of Christ.

I didn't want to be moved by emotion, but God still created emotion, God feels things, He weeps over the lost, and rejoices over His children. The Holy Spirit still moves. He still gives gifts, and when I say gifts, I don't mean a skill you can exercise or practice at. I don't mean a talent, or something you can chose to do. The Holy Spirit will give you any gift, any time, not one gift permanently. Let Him into your life.

The king, even though he doesn't believe Aslan will come or send the children, he cries out to Aslan for help and he does send the children. Don't give into the complacency, desiring your life to go on as it is, without the Holy Spirit, because you don't want anything to change. We need the Holy Spirit, now more than ever, because things are going to get bad, very fast. I've never heard so much talk and debate about the Holy Spirit and whether He still gives gifts and does miracles or not. It's all over the place, and before you know it, that fake Aslan is going to show up and stir things up before you know what's happening.

If you've never read The Chronicles of Narnia, I highly recommend it. I truly believe God had a hand in these books, they line up just too well with the scriptures. They're like parables, helping you in your walk with Christ. I only hope God would work so powerfully through my own writing; it's been my constant prayer that He use my stories for His glory and write the story, He desires to be communicated, through me. The Chronicles of Narnia are such an inspiration to me, and I honestly believe God was prophesying through C. S. Lewis, for the church and for the world.  

The Plagues

 I LOVE the movie, Prince of Egypt. I know a lot of Christians find this film to have too much artistic freedom and to be lacking in Biblical accuracy, but I have found time and time again, value in this cartoon.

I love musicals and operas, because a story told partly or fully with song, has something especially powerful about it. Music automatically makes us feel things, so well a composed song can be very moving, but adding meaningful and deep lyrics with the right music can change a song from moving, to live changing. God created music, He knew what He was doing. There's something so mysterious and supernatural about the power of music.

I say all this because I was listening to the soundtrack of Prince of Egypt recently, something I do often with my little sister. [We LOVE this movie- serusly.] My all-time favorite song off the soundtrack is The Plagues.  

It starts about 45 seconds in.

If you've never seen the movie before [though I doubt it] it includes Moses and Ramseys singing back and forth to each other. They were very close in this Dreamworks adaption of the story, but I think it's realistic. Anyway, they haven't seen one another since Moses fled Egypt after killing a man [40 years before in the Bible, clearly less in the movie]. They've missed each other and want things to be the way they were before, but it can't be, because Moses serves God now, and Ramseys has grown exceedingly more prideful and is offended by Moses trying to tell him what to do.

Getting to hear this song fully, with earbuds, zero distractions, and without the imagery of the film for the first time, [on a long drive I took recently] I actually started to cry while listening to the lyrics.

The song starts out scary sounding, a choir singing, “I send the pestilence and plague, Into your house into your bed, Into your streams into your streets, Into your drink into your bread, Upon your cattle on your sheep, Upon your house and in your field, Into your dreams into your sleep, Until you break until you give, I send the sword, I send the horde, Thus saith the Lord.”

I began thinking, like anyone would, how frightening this sounds, especially coming from God. He is all powerful and mighty. I don't want Him against me [not to mention I love Him and that would make me beyond sad], but knowing God, I also know that He's righteous, and I began to think of why He was doing this. The anger, or maybe better described as, wrath, in this song, is perfectly communicating the wrath and power, a parent would exercise on someone who was enslaving their child. Israel was- and is- God's children, His special chosen people. That anger isn't so bad sounding anymore, in fact it makes me love God more, that He is so loving, protective, and faithful.

If you don't believe these things, and are now saying, “But not ALL the Egyptians were guilty for Israel's enslavement! How were the plagues loving to the Egyptians!?”

Excellent question. I thought of the same thing. Because I know God [to an extent] I know that He also desperately loved the Egyptians- and still loves them- all Egyptians even to this day. Why do I say that?

Egypt strictly believes in the plagues of Moses. They teach them as history and talk about them in their Museums. These plagues weren't pointlessly cruel, each one had a specific and powerful meaning for the Egyptians. You see each plague, represented another one of their gods, dying.

God could have wiped out all of Egypt to save His people. It would have been easier, and by His standards, they were wicked, but instead He wanted to do something that would show the Egyptians who He was, and they haven't forgotten yet. He wanted to leave Egypt with a message that would never stop ringing through their children's or children's children's minds. The message that He was stronger than their idols, that could not help them. That He was real and is real. What's the point in that unless it's for the sake of offering them grace?

See, God, actually cared about the Egyptians. Why would He allow His people to be taken as slaves in the first place? So that in the long run, He could leave them a message of His power and faithfulness. We have free will, but He is so good, that even those trying to work against Him, end up working into His plans.

The next part of the song, Moses begins singing, “Once I called you brother, Once I thought the chance to make you laugh, Was all I ever wanted,” more choir singing about plagues, “And even now, I wish that God had chose a another, Serving as your foe on His behalf, Was the last thing that I wanted,”

This hit me differently than it normally has when I watch the movie. I used to see Moses as feeling like he had been dragged into this battle, simply because of his newly discovered heritage. Now I saw it from a more relatable view.

I heard a woman at my church teach on confrontation and correction. What should be done when we believe another Christian or maybe just a [unbelieving] family member, is doing something wrong? How should we act when we have to stand up for our faith, even though it will offend someone? The main thing that hit me from that study, was that confronting or correcting someone, should not be enjoyable. If God wants you to stand up for something, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun, because if it is, we have the wrong attitude about it. We shouldn't enjoy the possibility of offending someone. Sometimes, we have to offend someone, because we have to stand for truth, but if we revel in the thought of winning a debate, making someone look stupid, or rubbing their nose in some truth, than we're not doing it because God told us to, we're doing it because we like feeling smarter, better, stronger.

Moses, in this song, is not enjoying confronting his brother over this. He's not feeling roped into this by God or forced to come up against his brother, or even doing it just because he's discovered he's a Hebrew. He's doing it because slavery is wrong and God told him to do this. God doesn't need us to serve Him. Like I said before, He could have wiped out the Egyptians, and freed His people in a second, but instead He wanted to use Moses, for Moses' sake.

Off topic, I was reading Exodus, and I thought for a moment, 'You know, God prepared Moses to be the perfect guy for this, raised as a Prince, he had authority, learning, an idea of how court and politics in Egypt worked.' But then I caught myself. God never chooses someone who's perfect for the job. He always chooses someone, ill-equipped. Why? So that He can show the world, it's not them, it's Me. Moses wasn't perfect for the job. He had anger issues, was not good at public speaking, and was a bit of a coward. He even argued with God about how bad he was for the job. Who argues with GOD? [coughcoughme]

BACK onto subject, Moses hated to have to confront and oppose his brother in the film and song. He must have absolutely hated it, but known God enough to desire to do it for Him, putting him before himself and his family. The next words are, “This was my home, All this pain and devastation, How it tortures me inside, All the innocent who suffer, From your stubbornness and pride.” It must have been torture to watch his home of 40 years be plagued, people he must have known, suffering, and yet it he must take a stand for God, but he never acts smug like he enjoys it. He then says, “You who I call brother, Why must you call down another blow.” Moses must have been begging Ramseys, for his own sake, for the sake of all this once held dear, to let the Hebrews go.

Ramseys returns with, “You who I call brother, How could you have come to hate me so, Is this what you wanted?” This part just kills me.

Ramseys is like anyone who doesn't know God. He doesn't understand what's going on, and is taking Moses actions personally. He's letting them offend his pride, convinced and unwilling to see that he could, in fact, be wrong to hold the Hebrews. Instead he's choosing to believe that Moses is confronting him smugly, that he's doing this for power, to humiliate and ruin him. Even after so many plagues, he refuses again and again, making and breaking promises. He must have known it was God at some point, but it was just a power issue by that time, and he wasn't about to give in, even to a God with so much power he had personally experienced. How much pride, and yet I understand that anger that makes you so unreasonable. I don't know how, but seeing this pride in people doesn't anger me, it doesn't make me say, “What an idiot for being so full of themselves.” It makes me weep for them. I guess it's this.

When we are without God, our world revolves around defending and taking care of ourselves. It's the way we have to live and think to survive. God knows this, I'm sure this compassion in me comes from Him. People are blinded to and don't want to believe someone might actually take care of and defend them Himself; maybe out of pride, maybe out of fear and doubt, or maybe just out of selfish-ness and just plain wanting to live by your own rules even if it means living without that faithful, ever-loving person.

Ramseys then says, “Then let my heart be hardened, And nevermind how high the cost may grow, This will still be so, I will never let your people go.” Again, this just kills me inside; when someone rejects God. This makes those verses in the Bible, “And Pharaoh hardened his heart,” make so much more sense, on an emotional level. What I mean by that is, the song and the film, make Ramseys choice to harden his heart, his indignant indifference, seem like a realistic reaction. Some might say, “God's existence should have been obvious to him- who in their right mind would continue to fight against God?” But this added emotional plotline, makes me look at Ramseys and want to cry, because I might have made the same choices in his place.

Maybe because I've been deeply plotting my own angry villains lately and I see their mental processes more clearly, in a way that makes sense and makes their lives just plain sad. I just look at a villain, at anyone who's mean, and I see a child; afraid and angry, trying to obtain something they think they desperately need- love, power, control, security, money.

I've said for a while now, we're all just a bunch of children pretending to be grown up. Without God, we believe have to look out for ourselves, if we don't, we'll get hurt by those who really just enjoy hurting others. There's a guy I know, and he's such a macho, mean guy, but I can't stop seeing him as this scared little boy who needs people to think he's strong. I mean he feels the need to be mean to kids to make himself feel better. I look at him and my heart wrings, almost making me physically wince, because I feel his fear; he's just a scared little boy- he's so scared.

To wrap this whole post up, I almost can't believe how accurate the music in this movie is with the scripture. Even the very mood of the music, with the right lyrics, communicating the correct emotion with words that could be taken harshly and making them deeply strong and loving. Whoever wrote and composed this music knew what they were doing, or perhaps they had no idea; that only makes the music all the more powerful.

Something

So I don't know what I'm doing with this post yet. I just have things I want to say, and I was thinking of recording a video, but I can't at this very moment, because I share a room with my sister, and it's 12:12 am soooo. I might as well right it out here as a test run on the subject, just so I know what I might want to say. The things I want to talk about aren't Christ centered, but that's also why I want to write this here first, so I can get the right perspective on the subject before I let my mouth run.

I'm sooo shy. I struggle with normal conversations with my parent's sometimes... Okay a lot of times. I just suck at talking. Or at least that's the easy excuse I can use for my lack of social success, without actually having to deal with my problem.

I seriously can't let anyone know I'm scared- or lost- or weak. I have issues. This only accounts to about half of my shyness now and is slowly draining from my system as I try and work these things out- but the other half consists of the fear of your rejection or disapproval of me as a person. I don't- can't- live with the thought that anyone thinks badly of me. It haunts me and torments me at all times at which I have not successfully distracted myself of it. Sometimes, I have been able to shake someone's disapproval enough to recognize and believe that their feelings of me are unprovoked and stupid, but I hold pretty high standards for myself, so that doesn't happen often.

WITH the need to gain your approval also comes the desire to just cater to you simply because I am that way. I don't care for myself very much, and I'm very easily pleased, (or maybe hard to please), so I just want to make you as comfortable and happy as possible. Please don't hate me. I just- I have issues okay. I admit it wholeheartedly. And you have to admit that being a considerate, selfless person isn't a bad thing, as long as it's exercised in balance and for the right reasons.

I am a people-pleaser, but I am still my own person. It may be like pulling teeth for me to be my own person around you, but I won't change my beliefs, disown my values, or deny my faith to make someone happy; I know when pleasing someone has gone too far.

I've discovered recently, that I feel more comfortable talking with someone when I can't see their face. Literally, in the dark, where they can't see my facial expressions, and I feel safe in the darkness, and I can't see their expressions, which leaves me no room for trying to find out what they secretly thought of my words. There's very few people now that I think of it, that I feel truly comfortable around.

Me and my mom watched Runaway Bride the night before last, and I realized that I am like Maggie. I conform myself to what other's need or want in a friend, and I don't even know who I am. I know to an extent, and I have opinions, but I get lost and confused when trying to talk to someone, like I just disown myself for survival. If you could only know how scared it makes me- the thought of talking with someone.

I don't even know how I'm close to my brothers. Am I just comfortable around them? Or is it that I have an idea of who I'm supposed to be when I'm with them and I fall into place. My sister now, is a whole other story. I am who I am with my little sister, except I can't be weak around her.

I'm getting very good- I'm sorry- it's 1:21 am, if my conversation becomes erratic to you it's because I'm falling asleep. I'm getting very good at conversing, but it's still not me I think. I'm still creating a facade of who I want to be in front of a specific person- or who I think I need to be to survive in their presence. UHG.

I want friends. It's just like jumping off a cliff to me. Even just like getting myself down a water slide; I'm just too scared to move, even though I know I probably won't get hurt, I'm just scared of the ups and downs of the ride. AND IFF I get myself down that slide, I'm as rigid as a board and nothing changes- no progress is made, because I just fumble my way to the end of the conversation with default answers that won't get me killed. What is my problem.

I'm getting anxiety right now just thinking about it. Sometimes, it would just be easier to never make friends with anyone, but I'm not that kind of person. I want people in my life desperately, but I almost feel like I'm not a person, like I'm just a blob, forming myself into whoever I need to be at the time to get by and it flipping-pancakes sucks.

I've never struggled with feeling like I don't know who I am, and that's not really what I'm struggling with. The issue is feeling like I actually am not anyone particular. That won't ruin my life, but it doesn't feel good either.

WOw this got depressing fast.

The reasons I feel this way are this. Try to talk to me, and I don't have anything to say for myself, because I'm too scared to think of anything to say at all. When I do try to make friends, they don't stay my friends, they don't like me, they leave. Maybe I'm annoying, maybe I'm boring; either way, when I have been outgoing, it doesn't help anything- nobody stays anyway.

I was watching vlogs on youtube for fun- stupid fluffy vlogs like, "How To Get A Guy To Like You," or "Seven Things Guy's Find Attractive In Girls." Thing is, by these vlogs [which I'm not even sure if I should be using these as reference] I have all this down- if these guys are being honest. And yet I've never once had a guy like me. It has to be my personality. }:/ uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg. Maybe I'm just scared, and nobody believes me- they just think I'm being dramatic, fishing for sympathy, or stand-off-ish. I don't know.

Lost

I haven't written much of my own thoughts in a long time. Maybe because I gave people the link to my blog, and quickly realized how much I didn't want some to see all my thoughts. I can post them for strangers to stumble upon; they can't hurt me with more than a comment before I disregard them. My family and friends on the other hand- well I am subject to their comments at all times, and I actually care what they think of me.

I've come to so much realization recently. I've done so much growing in the past year of my life that it's almost overwhelming to think of. I hadn't realized how stagnant I was, until I began to really face myself, and desire to change. In some ways this is more frustrating than not, in the sense that I can't change myself. I see just how prideful a person I am, and I can't escape it; I'm drowning in it. I know can change me- I know He is changing me. I've seen His faithfulness to completely change my views, and it's changes like this that I hold onto- that He is working in me. There's nothing I like better than to see progress in anything I do, or in this case wait for.

I don't want to care what people think of me- I hate it with a passion. I almost feel as if I didn't for a while, and then something threw me back- but maybe I was just deceiving myself before. In finding pride in my own opinions and ideas- to think that that was confidence- when it was really just arrogance.

I want a balance, I want to be confident in my existence and value in Christ, without priding myself- and I am very prideful. My pride 'causes me to fear the opinions of other's conform to their idea's, or fully reject them. My pride keeps me polite and fake with people, to keep from making a fool of myself, and keeps me quiet to survive social situations. Without fail every time I open my mouth I regret it. You don't know how many times a day I grimace to myself at a memory of my foolishness.

And again I remember that I'm writing this to strangers- perhaps friends as well- but I wouldn't know who. Maybe it's a pride in itself to assume anyone reads this lol. Let me picture this as a white void, where no one hears me but God, and then let's see how I sound.

I feel very lost lately. I know the things You want of me at the moment, but I still feel very lost. I feel different- I don't even know what I feel. I'm in a strange season again, as if I'm in the same place I was last year at this time. Not that I didn't change, but that I've made a complete circle. Maybe I'm not getting the fellowship I need- I know I'm not getting as much of Your word and Your presence as I need, but I'm striving in those spiritual disciplines daily- You know Lord. I'm so horribly structured in things I shouldn't be, and flaky in the things that should have structure. I want to decide how my life should be right now and forever, and let nothing change. Change scares me very much. If only I knew what was coming- knew everything I needed to do and be- but then I wouldn't need to depend on You daily then would I.

I hate waiting and wondering and I have no clue as how to change my course from something I've resigned myself to. I'm afraid of deciding on one way to find out my life is really to go the other way, and yet I'm afraid of living day by day, waiting to see which way it will go. I'm afraid of daydreams- because they make me want what I've imagined- and I cannot keep myself from daydreaming.

I feel so spiritually knotted up right now, I don't even know what to pray. Like I said- I feel lost.

Control vs True Love

I hate when 'Christian' husbands think they need to control their wives. The Bible never says, 'Husbands control your wives,' it says, 'Husbands love your wives.' Yeah it says men in leadership in the church should have obedient and submissive wives, but that's out of her own will, not that he requires that of her. If men would just humble themselves before God- as well as women, but we're not addressing that at the moment- and let God lead them in being the Spiritual Leader their wives and children need, then their wives would know God and want to serve and seek Him, and that would include wanting to be the helpmeet to their husbands, letting him lead, desiring to build him up, rather than tear him down, all because God loves them, and wants them to love Him, and to love Him, you want to be obedient and honoring to Him, and those are all the ways He wants you to live alongside your husband. The requirement of having an obedient wife to be in leadership in church is not a standard, it's the visible fruit that the husband is leading and loving his wife as God calls him to. It works the same way with Pastors. They're not called to control their flock and keep them from sinning, they're only called to lead the flock, on how to seek God, know Jesus, love Jesus, which will only flourish a natural desire to know God's commands, and obey and honor Him, because we love Him. Finally, God works the same way with us. He doesn't control us or force our obedience, even though He can and has every right to. He gives us freewill, because He doesn't want to control us, He wants to love us, so that we desire to obey and honor Him. He doesn't want obedient robots or bitter slaves, He wants willing people, who love Him, and desire to serve Him. True love is so much stronger than sheer force, and God's love is the One true love.

Venting To God

I love that God doesn't tell us to keep our feelings and opinions in. He wants us to talk to Him, tell Him when we're scared, struggling, feeling forsaken, hurt, or angry. He'll open your eyes and reveal to your heart, with such gentle kindness, His love for you, that your opinions and your feelings will change. He doesn't want you to pretend you're happy when you're not. What kind of relationship is that, where you can't tell the other person something- anything? Telling someone they can't talk about how they feel inside, is like telling someone they can't talk about what they feel on the outside: hunger, thirst, pain, irritation, cold, hot. What if someone you love, your child, never told you they were hungry? Wouldn't that break your heart? Because you love them? Now consider the inside, and how debilitating and consuming our emotional pain can be. If you truly loved someone, it would kill you that they never told you when they were hurting. I always tell myself, I don't have the right to be angry with someone I feel has hurt me, unless I tell them. How else would they know? Not forgetting that God never does us wrong, but He knows how it is to be on the other side, here on earth, out of the Father's presence, and He knows everything. He knows we don't understand, and how frightening and painful that can be. He knows our pasts, how we've been hurt before, and can't conceive a sinless person who would never do us wrong, but He loves us, and He wants doesn't want us to pretend. He wants us to understand. Even if you come to God, forgetting His love toward you and His promises, He will set your heart straight because you came. The great thing about venting to God, is that He has the ability to actually change your heart. When venting to someone else, or even just yourself, your heart and the problem don't change, and it's frustrating.

Uhg.

I am such a- is there even a word to describe what I am? I wear my heart on my sleeve, to be bumped and bruised, but not for anyone else to see; no, no one is allowed to see my true feelings. I'm a coward, so afraid of everything. A doubter, so ready to assume the worst of people; not that their intentions are evil, but that they don't care, are just entertaining me, don't mean anything they say, because it's so easy to say things you don't mean. I'm so full of hope it's hopeless. I always hope the best of people, even after I doubt, I hold onto hope for dear life, until it's certain they're not my friend. I'm so gracious I allow others to hurt me over and over, excusing their behavior for immaturity, hidden suffering, loneliness. I let people in when I shouldn't. I guess there really is no way to love without allowing others the ability to harm you. The only consolation I have is in Christ, that no matter how emotionally beat up or broken I get, Jesus loves me, and proved it by living in poverty, in ridicule, in hardship, just to die, so I didn't have to, and on top of all that, pouring his grace and blessings over me, pushed down, shaken, and overflowing into my lap. It doesn't matter who hurts me or how, when I have Jesus, I am made complete; it doesn't matter what they take from me, confidence, security, freedom, once I have Christ I am complete, and nothing could remove that wholeness from me.

God Is In Control

Can I just say, in the most loving and heartfelt way, that this whole *savesaeed thing, has me a little torn. I mean I feel like people are hopping on it like a bandwagon. "A Christian has been thrown in jail for his faith!" Why is this suddenly so popular and important 'now'? Never in history has there been a time where Christians weren't thrown in jail for professing Jesus Christ. YES, it still happens today, everywhere, all over the place, all the time, but suddenly since it's an American in jail, we care more. Don't we understand that Christians all over the world are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we should have the same urgency and love for them, as we're showing Pastor Saeed? I see things on him personally: Saeed- American, Pastor, Husband. Please, go to prisoneralert.com or persecution.com and read the life stories of men and women imprisoned in their own countries for decades still, some they don't even know if they're alive anymore.

Also, yes, we want him released, but- and I admit this is something I've been scared to say for a while now- I pray more fervently that God will continue to work in his life, in whatever He's doing, and give Saeed peace and comfort and strength to endure it. The strongest of us all, have endured the most for Christ; Paul, Corrie Ten Boom, Richard Wurmbrand. I see Saeed imprisoned and I think, "God is doing a work, a frightening and painful work, but silver and gold have to go through fire to be refined."

Please don't think I'm being insensitive or pridefully thinking I could endure much for Christ. This has nothing to do with me. I am weak to suffer for Jesus but I have a heart that is willing at the least, and even though I won't act long-suffering for God all the time, I know it's something He calls me to.

"In this world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

God is doing something with Pastor Saeed, he's not out of God's reach or control; He allowed this. If only to save one soul, it's worth it, because Saeed is safe. Once we have Christ in our lives, nothing, not tribulation, not death, can separate us from God; we're homefree. No one can take away our eternal security.

Nate Saint was witnessing to tribes in South America, and his son asked him, "If they attack you, will you use the gun?" He replied, "Son, we can't shoot the Waodani, they are not ready for Heaven. We are." He was killed not long after, and that example didn't leave his son looking for revenge, it sent his son, and his wife, and the wives and children of the other men with him, to the same tribe, to live with them, and witness to them, and show them the mercy and grace and forgiveness of God.

God knows what He's doing, and I pray that He would bring Saeed home safe to his family soon, but more over I pray that His will be done, and whatever He's doing He accomplishes through Saeed, and that Saeed will be strengthened, empowered, and comforted by His Holy Spirit, to depend on God as He leads him through the fire.

Something Philosophical

I'm gonna post something philosophical now, lol, ready? Something must be said about being able to wash the make up from your face and say, "There I am." I haven't been able to do that in- ever, until now. I avoided wearing makeup because it was depressing to wash off, and feel I was somehow washing away beauty, only to be left with my face, which I was not very satisfied with. I realized though, that this was a cycle. If someone could tell me I look good without makeup, why couldn't I see it? I was desensitized. I needed to stop wearing makeup, to give myself time to get used to the way I look, before I could find myself beautiful. It took years, it was hard; walking around without any makeup on, feeling ugly for the majority of the time, feeling less-than because I wasn't doing something that every other girl I knew did and that society told me I had to do to be beautiful. I still enjoy putting on makeup, I enjoy wearing it, but I couldn't keep going on like that every day; it was awful. When I wore makeup, I felt ugly every night when it came time to wash it off. When I stopped wearing makeup, I was forced to look at what God gave me every day, all day, and it became beautiful, like anything else in the world can if we give it a chance. Today, I put on makeup. Tonight, I postponed washing it off as long as I could, like I always do, because it's the scariest part of wearing makeup. But when I washed it off tonight, instead of feeling like I was washing off beauty, I felt like I was washing away fake. I started to see my face, and remembered who I am underneath and how I love the way I look now. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm who God made me. I thought, "There you are," to myself, "this is the woman I want people to know; this is the woman I want someone to fall in love with one day." This is groundbreaking. To be happy with my own face, fresh, unpainted. I liked the way my makeup looked today, but not as much as I liked seeing my face washed clean. I can honestly say I like my own face without makeup better than with. This is crazy.

Isaiah 54

Nothing you do can make God love you more, or be more pleased with you than He already is, once you accept Christ's death as payment over your sins. Not reading your Bible, obeying Him, being kind, attending church. Once you take Jesus on as Lord of your life, all God sees when He looks at your record, is Jesus' blamelessness. I can't stand hearing Pastors talk jokingly about God, "smacking you upside the head" or allowing something into your life out of spite. 

Isaiah 54:4-10 
""Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame; 
don't be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. 
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
and you will no longer remember
the disgrace of your widowhood.
Indeed your husband is your Maker-
His name is Yahweh of Hosts-
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.
For the Lord has called you,
like a wife deserted and wounded in spirit,
a wife of one's youth when she was rejected,"
says your God.
"I deserted you for a brief moment,--""
[in our sin He had to turn away from us]
""--but I will gather you up with great mercies.--""
[sending His Son, Jesus, to reconcile us to Him,
then making us blameless and justified in His sight]
""--In a surge of anger
I hid My face from you for a mere moment,
but I will have compassion on you
with 'everlasting' love," says the Lord your Redeemer.
"For this is like the days of Noah to me;
when I swore that the waters of Noah
would never flood the earth again,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you
nor rebuke you. Though the mountains may shake
and the hills may crumble,
My love will not be removed from you
and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,"
says your compassionate Lord."

I wish I could find a message on these verses. Everyone says they know that works aren't what save us, but the way people are living, that's what they believe in their hearts; that somehow, their behavior and staying on God's good side, is saving them. Yes, God will chasen and chide who He loves, but He will do it in love. For so long I had this image of God that He was shaking his head at me, and sighing in exasperation at my failures. I don't think that's true; when I abide under the blood of Jesus Christ, I am blameless in His sight. The goal in life is not to live good because God will strike you down, or give up on you, it's to strive to be what God see's of you now. He see's holiness and righteousness, He's saved you from sin, so try to be what He see's of you now, and don't return to your sin like a dog to it's vomit.

What I Long For

It's taken me some time to realize that, I'm not longing for a husband, a more attentive grandpa, a more understanding father, a more protective brother, or a more stable guy in my life, in all, I'm longing for Jesus. These guys in my life, as well as the girls, will all fall short in the end, and never be enough to satisfy my soul, but Christ is enough. He is the loving husband, the attentive grandfather, the adoring father, the protective brother, and the only stable male in my life. Understand, I'm not dismissing every guy in my life, I love the wonderful guys God has put in my path. I love my dad, my grandpa, my brothers, my friends, but they are human, and need Jesus as much as I do. He is the father that is never disappointed and always makes you feel like a princess. The grandfather that is always there. The brother that treats you like His own daughter. The man that comes into your life and sees you in a way, no one else saw you before, for who you truly are, and He loves it. He is everything you dream of; everything you think doesn't exist. He's real.

But Tarry

I just got back from Russia on a missionary trip. It was amazing, but it has opened my eyes to a problem in my life; not only the trip, but God has been bringing this to my attention for some time now, I have just experienced it first hand while in Russia, or maybe when I got back.
While I was there, I noticed, once again, my failing, or struggle, to read my Bible and meet with God every morning. It's not a ritual, it's not needed, but that drive and desire to come to God first thing in the morning just isn't in me. And yet it's in everyone around me. I am painfully aware that I am missing something in my walk. For a while I thought it was my salvation, but that wasn't adding up. Salvation comes in an instant when asked for with a sincere heart, understanding you're sin, the need for repentance, that this is giving your life to Christ, and letting Him be Lord of your life. I know all this, I believe all this, but something is still missing.
Remember before Jesus ascended, He commanded the disciples, and all His followers, to "tarry in Jerusalem until you are endued with power on high." He said, "I will send my helper to you, but he can't come until I have gone." The disciples went back to Jerusalem for a few weeks if I'm correct. Are we assuming that it took a few weeks of determined prayer for their salvation to take affect?  They were already saved at this time. So what is this? And why haven't we done this? We in America are all so timid and scared to share our faith, either that or we do it with pride, debating to show our intelligence instead of share the Gospel. We are missing the Holy Spirits presence in our lives. We're living off our own drive, our own determination, our own power, our own ability to serve God, and we can't. It is physically impossible to be all that God wants of us. We're trying to do this on our own when God has offered us the indwelling of His Holy Spirit to bring us through our walk with Him. We can't love God the way we should. We can't serve God the way we should. We can't reflect Him on our own. We should be totally dependent on the Holy Spirit. In His presence we are helpless and nothing, and His love is so encompassing and suffocating, it would kill our physical bodies to experience the full effect of it.
From here on out, I'm going to tarry in Jerusalem for the Holy Spirit. I don't care how long it takes, I can't take any steps forward until I'm endued with the power and the confidence of Christ. I need that fire, that drive, I want the presence of God in my life, and I want to desire it more than food, more than water, more than comfort, more than fleshly love. I'll go out to the wilderness and cry to the sky for the presence of God in my life. I'll sit in the dark and whisper into the silence for His fire to ignite in me. I will seek Him earnestly, devoutly; I want this more than anything. It will be hard, self-denying, a fast of everything that takes up my time. I won't ignore responsibility, but I'll put this before it. God come upon me! I wont stop asking until You do! I want your Spirit! I want Your fire! "Take my body, take my blood! Spend it any way You choose."
Do you want more of God? Don't You want His promised helper? Or are you too busy to tarry in Jerusalem until He comes?

Human Rights

There is a rising epidemic in wealthy Christians today.

First off let me 'specify' what a "wealthy" Christian is.

IF you live in America, Canada, or Europe [Europe is a little shaky though as persecution rises] then YOU are a wealthy Christian.

Why?

Because you don't have to worry about survival everyday. You know you'll have food to eat, a place to sleep, people to help you. Even most homeless in this country are more wealthy then those in third world countries. You have luxuries. You don't need a tv, a cell phone, a wall phone, a computer, a couch, etc. to live. You are wealthy.

This epidemic, is "human rights." Wealthy Christians are falling into this mindset, that it is more important for people around the world to be treated correctly by others and taken care of, then to be given the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

This is not a Biblical view. This does not in any way line up with God's Word.

The Bible says, there will be tribulation in the world. It says that we will ALWAYS have the poor and the sick. Life cannot be perfect in a world ruled by sin

Christianity isn't about taking care of the world's physical needs. It's about spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ, so the HE can take care of their needs. He says, in the world, Christians WILL be persecuted, and suffer, because those in darkness, do NOT like the light coming, and illuminating their evil deeds. We suffer for Christ, who suffered for us. We are persecuted for Christ, who was persecuted for us. And we die for Christ, who died for us.

Why do you worry about suffering or dying? Don't you have hope in Christ, in His promise and resurrection, that you will be with Him in eternity? Death is not end and suffering is not forever.

Don't you realize that we can't change suffering in the world, but we can offer Christ, who has the power to change suffering, and comforts those who suffer?

And if we could make everyone treat each other right and enforce human rights, aren't they still bound for Hell without Christ? What is more important? Comfort on earth? Or life after death?

"In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"We are hard-pressed from every side, yet not crushed, perplexed, yet not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8

Somehow, wealthy Christians have become to believe that believing in Jesus Christ means your life will be comfortable, prosperous, and full of charity.

Here's your reality check brothers and sisters. Living for Christ, is a scandal, the world will hate you, there are only three ways people respond to the gospel: in relief, in rage, or in ridicule. Some people will hate your guts, hate the ground you walk on. Few will cherish your witness. If you're not experiencing persecution of some kind, then you're either not standing up for the faith, you don't really live what you say believe, or you have no idea, what you believe.

Don't be offended, take it to heart. Get into the Word of God, and discover the truth.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY. Why are there so many crazies around, calling themselves Christians, and doing WHATEVER the heck they want!? Please, PLEASE! LISTEN C-L-O-S-E-L-Y when I say this,


YOU CAN NOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

IF you SERVE God, you follow HIS laws.

YES God loves you. YES there is grace! and YES where sin abounds grace abounds much more!

But should we continue in sin? NO!

IF you are continuing to sin after you PROCLAIM to be saved, then WAHT do you think God has saved you from!? Because OBVIOUSLY, sin is still an accepted part of your life!

And you're like,

But the Bible doesn't say anything about THIS being a sin!

GAAaa---_!!

Is it SO hard to grasp?!

Am I the ONLY one who gets it!?

You're KILLLING ME.

EVERY THING YOU'RE UNSURE OF IS ANSWERED IN THE BIBLE. Not specifically, it's in smaller categories.

Example:

MURDER- SIN

HATE- MURDER- SIN

SEXUAL IMMORALITY- SIN

LUST- SEXUAL IMMORALITY- SIN

STEALING- SIN

DOWNLOADING ILLEGAL MUSIC- STEALING- SIN

LYING- SIN

FIBBING- LYING- SIN



"Come on Hannah, why do we have to talk about Hellfire and Brimstone today?"

"BECAUSE IT MATTERS"

SOO MANY will say LORD, LORD!

And He will say, I NEVER knew you.

You may know the President, but they're not gonna open the White House doors for you unless the President says he knows you.

I just CANNOT wait for the persecution to get bad in this country, it WILL be through the persecution that SO many people will come to Christ.

Right now the majority of Christians in this country, and I don't just mean the ones staying home from church, I mean the Christian sitting next to you in church, I mean your Youth Leader, your Worship Leader, your PASTOR, ARE ALL JUST MISSING IT.

Christians who are like,

"I believe everyone is free to love God any way they feel comfortable."

'I' don't think you get to make that call! That's GOD'S call, and He's made Himself QUITE CLEAR.

Remember Cain and Able? God wanted the animal sacrifice, and He WOULD NOT accept Cain's vegetable offering for his sins.

Christianity isn't the Do-Whatever-You-Want-And-Go-To-Heaven religion.

It's F-O-L-L-O-W-I-N-G CHRIST.

HIS ideals!

HIS opinions!

HIS cares!

HIS leading!

NOT YOURS!

NOT YOURS!

NOT YOURS!

NOT YOURS!

You're WILLINGLY ignorant!!!

"I believe people should do whatever feels right when it comes to sex and sexual partners."

That's not what God said. Don't even get into this with me, I'll lay you out and I don't want to. You won't listen to a word I say anyway!

"I believe women should have the right of choice."

That's not what God said! Maybe you should put it in GOD's hands. Let HIM decide if He wants that baby to be born or not!

"I don't think it's a sin to cuss."

"I don't think it's a sin to listen to music about sex."

"I don't think it's a sin to make raunchy jokes."

"I don't think it's a sin to bump and grind."

WHAT BIBLE ARE YOU READING, IF ANY!?

"It's the 21st century, Modern Christianity!"

Dude you are lost! You are SO lost! There is no way you could possibly be saved!

"I love Jesus! I said the sinners prayer accepting Him into my heart! I live for Him! I'm saved!"

You're actions don't show it!

"God knows my heart!"

God wants MORE than your FEELING of love! He wants more than your affection!

He wants Your sacrificial love!

I am on such a rant right now.

God wants more than the feeling in your heart.

How do you KNOW you love God?

"I feel it in my heart."

So do I, but that's not enough.

We have to put that love into action.

It won't be graceful or perfect 100 percent of the time,

But it's the effort that counts.

What did you give God when you asked Him into your heart?

"My heart, my life."

Now what part of those are you letting Him have His way with?

Are you letting Him choose how you love, who you love, what you love, what you hate?

Are you letting Him speak through you, work through you, live and serve through you?

Are you letting Him take you to the ends of the earth?

What have you given God?

Because I see your heart and your life still clutched in your hands.

Watered Down Gospel

"But God loves me, He knows my heart." Let's say there are two types of love; affection and action. God has affection for us, but it's His action that saves us. We may have affection for God, but it's our action of accepting His action that makes us saved. I'm not saying our action saves us. I'm saying God gave you His life and His heart, all He wants in return is your life, and your heart. Now giving God your life is giving Him control of all your days, your time. Giving God your heart is giving Him control of your wants and desires. If you only feel affection for God, but have no action, you don't truly love Him, because the actions and words speak from the heart. I don't mean to say that everything you do for God has to work out perfectly, again, it's the heart that counts. If you were trying to show action to Him, and still failed, He see's the heart and your longing to love Him through action. But if you only say you have affection and feel affection, but have no action to prove it, God see's that by your heart, you love yourself more than Him. We're not to judge whether someone loves God or not though. But there are also two different types of judgment. I'll get into that later.

When we were sinners, He loved us, but we grieved Him with our sin. To continue loving us, He put forth action, which bloomed affection even more. People say in the church, don't get burned out serving, take some times to sit at His feet. Although a healthy balance is needed, I find when you put forth the action, your heart will follow. When you choose to love with action, you begin to feel affection, and when you feel affection, you begin to want to put forth action. When you give God your heart and your life, you have no more say in it. You can ask, in fact He wants you to ask for things, but you've given over control now. You have told Him you will love Him, and obey Him. These two go hand in hand. If you love your parent's, you'll obey them, and you obey them, your loving them. To love someone, is to sacrifice and or suffer for them. That's the only way to prove it. The only way to prove love is by showing that you care for them more than yourself and the only way to prove that is by helping them prosper, even at your own discomfort or suffering. If you're not proving or at least trying to prove your love, than your heart is speaking the opposite of your words.

God never said this life would be fun, fair, comfortable, or pleasurable. God suffered for you, so you wouldn't have to suffer for eternity, but He said in this life there will be tribulation [but be of good cheer He has overcome the world.] He did say that everything He teaches us and wants us to live by, He gives for our joy. He wants us to be joyful even in tribulation by all the wisdom He offers and He says that our tribulations are to prosper us in Him, bringing us closer to Him, making us stronger in Him. American Christians need's some serious persecution and suffering right now. We've bought into the lie that life should be easy and full of what we want. That death is unfair, that life should be fair. That life should be full of things that make us feel good and our time should be full of fun and entertainment. That if we hurt, if we don't feel good, something is wrong. The Gospel is watered down here and I'm tired of it. I can see how America is crumbling, and I can see God working. I know there will be a rough way ahead, but it will bring us all closer to God. We're not to have the Kingdom of God on earth, that's for Heaven, and Satan is the god of this world right now, he would never allow it.

The Beautiful Surrender

Song I wrote.

I'm so tired of fighting,

I have no fight left,

So tired of running,

And so out of breath,

Been holding my ground,

And forgetting to breathe,

Just to act like I'm fine,

So that nobody sees,

I wrestle with You,

And You wrestle with me,

I'm beginning to think,

That You let me believe,

I stood even a chance,

Against You and Your hand,

Your thumb touches my hip,

And I can't even stand,

So I fall to my knees,

I surrender I surrender,

I give up all my power,

If I had any at all,

I crumble at Your feet,

This is total abandon,

I will trust I'll believe,

I give up all control,

And I lay in a heap,

Slowly catching my breath,

I give up this fight,

All You ask, I accept,

I surrender I surrender,

I give up,

I spent so many years,

Fighting for my own way,

With nothing to show,

But a trail of dismay,

Been striving and fighting,

I'm beginning to see,

I'm not made of titanium,

My muscles grow weak,

I wrestle with You,

And You wrestle with me,

I'm beginning to think,

That You let me believe,

I stood even a chance,

Against You and Your hand,

Your thumb touches my hip,

And I can't even stand,

So I fall to my knees,

I surrender I surrender,

I give up all my power,

If I had any at all,

I crumble at Your feet,

This is total abandon,

I will trust I'll believe,

I give up all control,

And I lay in a heap,

Slowly catching my breath,

I give up this fight,

All You ask, I accept,

I surrender I surrender,

But You gather me near,

Wipe my frustrated tears,

And show me love which I have never known,

I don't know why I'd ever try,

To fight this fight,

On my own,

And You ask me,

"Isn't it hard kicking,

Against the goad,"

So I fall to my knees,

This is beautiful surrender,

I give up all my power,

If I had any at all,

I crumble at Your feet,

This is total abandon,

I will trust I'll believe,

I give up all control,

And I lay in a heap,

Slowly catching my breath,

I give up this fight,

All You ask, I accept,

For You gave me Your life,

As a sacrifice,

For all of the wrong,

I have done with my life,

And I let go of everything,

I thought I knew,

To surrender my everything,

To You,

I surrender,

I surrender,